MBTI Types and Relationships

(This was written in response to statements on an INTJ forum where they tended to blame the success or failure of relationships solely on MBTI compatibility and worse, externalizing the issues on certain types. For eg: "ESFPs drive me up a wall!!!" or generalizing experiences: "Well, my relationship with XXXX type worked, so I am sure why your's did not")
It is a common belief that relationships work based on compatibility of personalities. And MBTI is a powerful tool to identify personality types. The insights are no doubt amazing, but are they the only factor that influences relationship? 

I am an INTJ. And this often becomes an excuse to rationalize our weaknesses, instead of the understanding them for the weaknesses they are. I think any relationship works/does not work depending on maturity levels - not MBTI types. But we have heard that a million times already, right? Maybe without delving into exactly what it means. Cos the narrow answers still continue.

I like to see it as a 3 dimensional model:

1. Your core values/beliefs --> Who you are(Just cos INTJs can rationalize all their beliefs, does not mean they are facts/truths. All humans are conditioned in some way)
2. Maturity --> How you deal with something that conflicts with who you are(That means even 2 INTJs can have conflicts. Ones idea of a good time out is talking deeply at a quiet cafe, the others is to peruse books in a library 'together' :) )
3. Your MBTI type --> the language you use to communicate

An important thing being how all 3 are closely related. Your senses make you 'hear', but your MBTI type might decide what out of it will you perceive. And what you will filter out. The more easily we 'get it', the more we will LIKE to hear about it, thus hardening 'who we are' and denying who we are not. 

Maturity is the balancer. It does not PUSH us to challenge our beliefs for the sake of it(That depends on who we are..) but helps us to NOT see contradictions to 'who we are' as a THREAT. It helps us 'identify less' with 'who we are'. See it more as a "concept" rather than a reality. And hence be able to face it without fear. This ensures that even if we fight, we fight together. We FAIL...we fail together. We are together even before the fight began. Except that there are limitations. And those limits are influenced by the other 2 variables: Core values and MBTI Type.

When one speaks English only, and the other speaks Chinese - communicating is hard. Very hard. One is left to his own interpretations, rather than the other's truth. It takes time and effort to pick up a new language, which seems to have absolutely no similarities with yours. Especially when their 'I love you' SOUNDS like 'I hate yous'. It takes maturity to not feel 'threatened' in learning that new language(cos you feel you are being 'converted'..'not being accepted as who you are'...your identity is being threatened and other BS) 

The key thing is: Maturity CAN overcome the limitations of the other 2. But the 2 determine how hard it will be. Self awareness and MBTI tests provide an indicator of the extent of the gap. More the gap, obviously more is the amount of commitment needed. Also, the good news is, more the gap, more is the 'newness' discovered at the end of every milestone. So the difficulty path is not 'linear'. It gets easier and more rewarding as we go...provided we don't find reasons to STOP walking. To dig our feet into the ground. 

To get into a relationship just cos some theory said 'INTJ is the perfect compliment for the ESFP' or shy away cos another theory said 'The Ne blah blah Ni...Fe blah blah...hence it wont work' - is foolishness. Knowing ourselves and our level of commitment depends only on the two people involved. And the possible permutations/combinations are just too many. Certainty is impossible. And looking for certainty might be the worst thing anyway.