The underlying meaning of the movie 'Finding Fanny'

For people who hated Finding Fanny because it was too 'unrealistic' or too weird....or liked it only for the great cinematography....it goes much deeper than that. Its not just about 4-5 whackos on a road trip. It is about the utter meaninglessness and randomness of life. the whole irony of it. WE attach 'deep meanings' and 'lessons' and 'wisdom' to events - but the universe just does not care! It does not function according to our expectations.We are insignificant specks trying to choose random beads and weave together a beautiful story to celebrate ourselves.

For people who already got it, stop here. Others read on...

(SPOILER ALERT)
Pankaj Kapoor is an extreme egotist. He thinks the world revolves around him....but nobody notices even when he DIES! But his painting lives on and becomes a masterpiece....though it seemed 'weird' to begin with. Ranveer singh is the quintessential 'positive' guy who thinks everybody loves him, people cannot say 'no' to him...dies cos his mom tried to save a few pennies on the CAKE decoration...on his wedding!! Naseer lives an illusion his entire life...even gets to PURSUING it.....even ACHIEVES it...but the dream itself turns out to be a joke. Fanny did not even THINK about him, in fact she was a pretty 'colorful' lady. Dimple is trying to be 'in control' - but her life is built on a secret lie. She even thanks naseer for guarding it - AFTER he has disclosed it. She is supposed to be the pupeteer of the village - but Pankaj kapoor controls her like a puppet(when he paints)
Deepika even says at the end..that she would have loved to say 'the journey has given her wisdom etc...but has it?'

The letter itself is the most beautiful example. It never made its way to Fanny. Forget being 'not delivered' - it did not even START on its way. Naseer was exactly at the same spot 40 years ago - but he made long journeys IN HIS MIND. In fact, he is in the same spot from a JOB perspective - having taken up the spot of the same guy who screwed up his love life in the first place. The irony!!

Nothing is at it seems. What we are chasing are often our own illusions. We think we are in control, but its just lucky, merry coincidence.So relax. You are totally out of control 

My 10 day Vipassana meditation experience

Its surprising that I never wrote about one of the most significant events in my life until now: The 10 day Vipassana meditation camp I attended. For people who are not aware, this is a 10 day meditation camp that involves NOT TALKING AT ALL. No television, cell phone or books either. Not even smile at or touch each other. Men and women(including spouses) are separated. The objective is to cut off all external mental stimuli, and turn all your attention inwards You meditate for almost 12-14 hours in a day. Yes, I know many people are exclaiming "Vijayraj?? Silent?? For even 1 day?? Impossible!!" For me, that was never a challenge...but that's the irony of my life :( But anyway :)

This happened almost 3.5 years ago. They are headquartered less than 3-4 hours from my home in India. But fate had it that I did the course in the US. This was a childhood dream, so I was very happy when I could work out a plan to do it. 

Day 1 consists of listening to all instructions, especially around the vow of silence. And then the program begins. Even the instructions are given via recorded audio. There is a senior vipassana pracitioner to act as a guide. After every session, you can step closer and very softly ask her questions about the techniques - only around the mechanics. So that you are not ding the technique incorrectly. Discussions/philosphical debates are strictly prohibited. In the evening, there is a DVD discourse on Vipassana meditation, Buddha stories, a trailer of the next day by SN Goenka. You look forward to the discourses because that is the only human voice you hear!! Have to admit his stories were pretty funny and insightful though.

The silence does eerie things to your mind. Note that although I contemplate, think, introspect a lot - I had never meditated as such. Your mind chatter seems much more louder against the silent background. Like noisy students in a library. 

Meditation is primarily about 'letting go'. Not judging. Letting your body, mind and the world be. Watching thoughts, sensations but not controlling them. Since my inner voice was the only voice that was audible(courtesy the vow of silence) one thing that struck me was how harsh, judgmental and self critical that voice was. Especially when my concentration broke, my attention wavered, when my mind would not be silent. Always judging, always comparing, always seeking to become better superior, perfect, ideal; and badgering itself if it seemed anything less. In fact, that seems to be its primary indulgence. So cruelly silly! 

At hindsight, it feels that the vow of silence is the single most powerful factor in the camp. Had people got the chance to discuss what was going on, the comparions would go out of control. And all people would be left with would be images and imaginations of experiences rather than real experiences. Not to mention the frustrations arising out of comparison and 'failure'.

Day 2 was the same. Struggling to reign in the mind which flits around like a monkey. Nothing worth mentioning. 

An extremely odd thing happened on day 3. I was coming out of the morning session maybe aorund 7:30 am. And this one thing seemed to fill my mind - a sanskrit prayer that I had long since forgotten. This was stupefying at too many levels. The meditation program does not involve chanting in any form. I am not a ritualistic person AT ALL. So chanting shloks is not something I do anyway. I have a really bad memory at by hearting stuff I do not understand. And the last time I had uttered this shloks would have to be 18-19 years ago, in a Chinmaya mission prayer group when I was in the 6th grade. I had not uttered it even ONCE after that. But there it flowed, as clearly as a fresh stream...Om sahana vavatu, sahanau bhunaktu, sahaveeryam. ....in its entirety. I have never forgotten it after that. Till date, I have no clue how or why!!!

Day 4 is when I felt my mind was settling, giving in...or was it. This is when the actual vipassana technique is taught. The earlier 3 days are just a 'warm up'. But my mind just would not surrender. Day 5 was a little better, but not much.

Day 6 was the day of epiphany. I still remember it was about 4:30 am. My usual ritual was to decide between waking up and meditating as instructed; or to create some excuses, close my door and go back to sleep. But that day was different. I had not slept much to begin with. And the mind seemed unusually silent. It was a deeper level of silence. Like the silence when a fan is suddenly switched off in a silent room. You realize only then that the room was not really 'silent' after all. Until then you are just too 'used to the noise'. Except this time, it was like 10 fans switched off, and then the air conditioner too. And then the insights started pouring in. I use the phrase 'pouring in' because it was not a voluntary act. It was like nature had always wanted to pour it in, but was waiting for me to empty my bucket and stop moving it around. The fears I had, how I constrained myself, the insecurities behind the success, how I created misery myself, how my want for perfection left me open to guilt and manipulation, how guilt(of not being good) rather than joy(in doing good) had been a driving force, how I had failed to speak up/stand up for myself etc etc. It was like all the pieces of the jigsaw coming together. Actually, that makes it seem too much like the mind's creation. It was more like a 'click'. Finding the missing link and everything falling in place. It all suddenly 'made sense'. This single moment was worth the experience. I cannot say worth the money, because the programs are free :) The realizations were not something to be 'proud' about, but the best thing about realizing the truth is that it frees you; though you might not 'like' it.

The rest of the days were no different. Same mind chatter. I think the best part for me was the silence, enjoying nature. The wild geese that strutted around were the best past time. Fortunately, they were not under a vow of silence. So their honking was music to my ears! :) You start becoming much more observant because there is nothing to distract you anyway.

Day  8 had something in store again. After every session, you are allowed to There was this father/son duo who had come in for this program. The son must be around 23-24 I guess. I am bad at guessing ages anyway. The son acted as his guide throughout the program. Remember we had not talked to each other, but the devotion somehow shone through. I was sitting inline to ask a doubt I had. The father went before me. I did not want to eavesdrop, but I was just 2 feet away. He was sincerely asking "We have lost all our money, how do I help my family? Can this technique help to make things better for my family?" There was no anger, nor desperation in his voice - simply an innocent hope. The instructor obviously had nothing useful to say. The question was not withing her scope. She simply mumbled something about faith etc, but the old man repeated his question "yes, but will it help me make things better?" I could no longer hear anything, nor did it matter. It all seemed just too unreal. Too many things changed..the size of my perceived problems, the significance of family ties, the stereotypes around American affluence...how human pain is universal....a dam had broken. I took a hard gulp for I was next in line to ask my question. Back at my room, the dam broke and tears flowed incessantly. Again, I had no clue why. I had no clue who they were. I never cried easily in the first place!! Something had changed inside. But I had no clue what. And whether the meditation(which I was sure I was very bad at) had anything to do with it.

By day 9, I was frankly pretty bored. The vow of silence had fortunately proved not at all as hard as I had imagined, the meditation was becoming boring, I had already had my share of enriching experiences...I had tasted the nectar. So there was no use wandering around the pitcher anymore. I was glad that this trip was going to end soon. 

Day 10 was 'buffer day'. You are allowed to talk, so that the outside world does not come as a sudden shock. The program ended at about 1 pm I think. And then everybody met again to hear more about the foundation, how we could help, meet each other etc. Another story waited to be discovered. Many of the attendees were of Indian origin, I got talking to this Sikh gentleman, where he was from etc. After some time, I happened to talk to a woman and her teenage daughter. Turned out that the Sikh gentleman was her husband, the girl's father. He had "left the family" for his spiritual pursuits. So here they were, mom and daughter attending the same program with him, in the hope that he would come back. I was at a loss for response. What could I say!!! Offer superficial consolation?

And so the experience ended. Was the experience worth it? ABSOLUTELY. And I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Is it about the meditation? No, I think its about the opportunity to live in an environment of complete silence. The rest just happens. Would I attend it again. Probably not. Because I believe, once I have tasted the silence; the objective should be to cultivate it in the chaos of our daily routine; rather than needing to escape to a 10 day retreat. But to get and plant that seed of silence, the entire 10 days are worth it!! :)

It rained....but....

The rain comes down pouring. The water darts piercing the half-done road, revealing interesting potholes that always existed but never perceived. One of them resembles a crucifix. Repeatedly trampled upon by trucks, cars. Calling it a war-scar might be more accurate? Perhaps it's care, when its delicately hopped over by kids afraid of unearthing the raw pain underneath.

But there's a problem this time. The drops dance with all their might, but the trees won't. They do not sway in joy, completing the delicate tango. They are still, they look sad. Were the rains too late? Has the father come in too late to the kid's birthday party? For the trees do resemble that child's face, or the would-be bride who kept waiting at the wedding. The drops on the leaves that sprayed out like passionate sweat from a dancer's body, now slide down in silent anguish. Is her heart broken?

It seems like the rain realizes this deep down. For there is no proud thunder this time. An incomplete dance and no music. Only a dull, almost apologetic bass created by the sincere rain drops. No wonder the birds do not seem to be paying attention. They came to a show that never happened. Perhaps they feel let-down too. They go about with their usual pecking. There is one little birdie on the top of an antenna who is not ready to give up. Like a poor friend who is caught in the middle of a conflict between his other two friends. It shakes the rain off, then stares at the tree - its little, helpless brain wanting to help, but not knowing how.

The kids are at the windows though. Making the best of whatever they can - as they usually do. The rain drops won't give up - but it seems like the disappointment is rubbing off. They slow down to a slow murmur. And then subside. 

The hope is that the sadness does not last too long. A wind of change would would do the trick maybe. Tickle the girl into an irrational giggle, where rational persistence won't work. Everybody needs a helping hand sometimes....to bring back the happy times.

P.S. It was not always like this.....Read about the good times here

"Mommy, you took my money!!!"

My little niece is all sentimental about her granny's birthday. Decides to buy her a gift with her own 'pocket money'. Breaks her piggy bank to get a pile of coins. Mightily proud, but blissfully unaware that it adds up to around Rs. 10 (around a dollar in purchasing power) Holding her Mom's hand, off she goes to the neighborhood grocery store. Unfortunately, everything she wants is not what she can afford. The shopkeeper finally tells her that she can get a small packet of biscuits for that money. The child is happy..and takes out her pile of coins in front of the flustered shopkeeper. My aunt(her mom) tries to mitigate the awkwardness, by handing a 10 rupee currency note to the shopkeeper, taking all the coins and stuffing them her own bag!! "Mommy!!! you took my money!!!!!" screams the angry kid. First they did not give her the stuff she wanted for her granny, now they take her money too! My aunt, even more flustered, tries to explain the mathematics, but the anger wont stop!! :)

Even small things come at a price...

The middle class family...mom and two kids came in next to me while i was stuffing my second round at the bhelpuri stall. One could see the typical childs gleam in their eyes at the sight of all the savories..happily struggling to make a choice..while their mom asked about the prices. "Bhaiyya..how much is the sev puri for?" "25 rupees" came the bland answer. "And pani puri?". "20 rupees". As the kids looked at her with expectant eyes, she simple looked at them, shook her head..and took them away. The prices were too high.

I was left with a lump in my throat. And also remembered the coffee i had two days ago at rs. 120. It was supposed to be superior coffee in a way i cld not understand. But truth be told, i did not care anyway abt the price. Until these kids forced me to think. I still am...n havent reached a conclusion. Wth..

War - From the eyes of a child

I woke up early on Christmas morning and couldn't believe my eyes. There were no soldiers on the road, no tanks and guns, no sound of bombings. After 5 long years would I have a real Christmas I wondered. Yes it was 5 years ago that it all started, when my world came crumbling around me. I was at exactly the same spot. A stray bullet had just pierced my Daddy's chest. 

A Rainy Day

(This was written on June 12, 2013 :) )

The last time I wrote on such a topic might have been in elementary school :-) But you must admit, it always is special 

Have you felt the loneliness that a cloudy, rainy day brings? Its the only kind of loneliness I love. Holed up safely at home, enjoying the battle of rain drops from my window. 

Blurbs of people, vehicles, shops, kids, umbrellas - their outlines gone awry. Like a water color painting on which a child has spilled water. Blissful destruction. As if trying to break their moulds and unite into each other. 

The trees sway in the strong winds in a gentle dance, the occasional soft thunder adding percussion to the mix. It seems like entire nature has become a big smiley face. Wet, Fresh, young. As if given another chance. To be reborn. 

Even the traffic noises take on a special tone. Try to hear them. The aggressive vroom of a car, the irritating rat-a-tat of the auto, the deep baritone of a truck - their sharp edges softened down by the gentle pitter-patter of raindrops everywhere. And if you are lucky enough to experience a pause of the traffic, leaving only the raindrops - do not forget to close your eyes. Its even better than the 'garam chai' you thought was the best part about a rainy day. A moment of unison with nature. Aurally. Soothes the mind. And when the same 'noises' resume after that, the peace prevails. The same struggling world, suddenly seems easier. Hope rekindled.

And finally when the showers stop, the colors come out. As if mother nature has got an amazing face-lift :-) Her wrinkles, crinkles all ironed out. As the drops of life give her the much needed respite, it is as if she has shed her skin of grime and dust, bringing out the tenderness within. 

"Mother" Nature never sounded more real.

Can something be Unnatural?

When a bunch of crows landed in the land of peacocks, they looked strange...to the peacocks. Their hoarse sound, their ability to fly, their small size - it was all just so.....perverted...to the peacocks. Unnatural. The peacocks declared all crows as "unnatural". Any crow would now be imprisoned. If they wanted to live, they better be a peacock. The crows had no option but to try and become a peacock. Some stopped flying, others stopped crowing because they dared not use their real voice, while others stuck peacock feathers and pranced around....that's when the actual perversion started. In 10 years, everybody forgot what a peacock really looked like and nobody knew what a crow was....all that was left is majority always accusing the minority of being wrong, and the majority winning. Because they are the majority.

The abandoned Bhagvad Gita

Interesting thing happened....Noticed a copy of the Gita in a book donation box at office. Then noticed it was in a sealed cover...not even opened once! Obtained and abandoned. My petty mind was just about to start drawing judgmental conclusions about the owner...but then paused to consider the bigger picture. One thing was certain now. The book had surely made it its way out of hands that would not have used it. Now there was a chance it might find its way to hands that would. I guess nothing is good or bad in itself. Everything eventually finds its best fit. The best we can do is to keep the flow going. Not block it with our ideas of right and wrong. Seen this way, even the owner needs to be thanked for letting go...and not blocking the flow....out of fear of doing 'wrong'

The Little girl

Maybe four years old, hops rather than walks on the pavement, doing a twist one in a while, her golden curls jumping along. She has a blue balloon which she tries to blow up occasionally, but finds it more appealing to stretch it across her face like a moustache and giggle mischievously. I can see her from window up the hilly road as her little feet try to negotiate the mountain. It's hard, but she's happy. Its chilly but she's smiling. What a joy it would be to be closer to this sight of joy. Her mom is. But she is busy texting furiously. an intense expression on her face. Luckily the little antithesis on her right doesn't care anyway. She's too busy making the best out of what she has.

"But I did not do it!!" - A true story

"Uncle, this guy has thrown garbage in the compartment!!". It was a 10-12 year old school student talking to me. I was sitting almost alone in a first class compartment, and these bunch of 6-7 school children had hopped in. I looked where he was pointing at and saw a few sheets of crumpled newspapers thrown on the floor of the train compartment.

My first suicide attempt

Life had become a burden. I had lost all the zest for life. Life did not seem to hold any meaning any more. Although I was technically still alive, it did not seem to make any difference. My soul had died long back anyway.

Tragedy had struck my life - and I was just in the first standard. Just a tender 6 years old. Nobody loved me - not even my parents.

The Bet

"So nothing can scare you, right? Wanna bet??? 100 bucks??"

"Of course, what's the bet?", replied Vivek.

"Know the cemetry behind St. Anthony's?", asked Ryan in a challenging tone, "You got to spend 10 minutes...alone..sitting beside a grave...at midnight"

BUNGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!

700 BUCKS????!!! That is the first question that came to my mind when i first heard of bungee jumping at chennai. But it was an opprtunity that i wld not have got again. So me an 2 of my friends (They call him "blojick" in the blogworld) made our way to YMCA grounds - the site of the event...
... The sight was scary.