Tragedy had struck my life - and I was just in the first standard. Just a tender 6 years old. Nobody loved me - not even my parents.
They seemed to love my kid sister more.
(Please do not smile...or worse - laugh. This is meant to be a tragic phase in the life of an innocent 6 year old boy)
I was fed up of the downright unfair treatment meted out to me. That it came from my parents (my Mommy too!!!) made it intolerable. Why couldnt they see HER mistakes? Why should I always be the one to 'let it go' or 'forgive'? Was it my mistake that I had come into this world 4 years before she did? And talking of being a good child, how would SHE be a good girl if she was pampered this way? Especially when it came to appreciating - the basic fuel for a human, she seemed to be the default receiver! Only because she was smaller, did her cheeks become suddenly more chubbier than mine? I had suddenly become the ugly duckling?
I had lived with it for 6 years. No more could i do it. I had to do something about it for sure.
Nowadays, this thing called 'suicide' was doing the rounds on TV, newspapers. People did something to themselves and they died. Then they never returned. Children did it when they failed in exams, or when they felt that nobody loved them. It was funny, why people were dying for something that somebody else did! But anyways, it seemed to work. Because, after the 'suicide' the parents always realized how good, precious and sweet their child was. Which was exactly what I wanted!
But a small doubt always troubled by little brain. Even if the parents realized their big mistake, if the child cannot come back after doing the suicide, what was the use anyway? I wanted my parent to realize my importance, but i wanted to LIVE to enjoy it. So what could I do?
Although I was small, i was really smart - especially on the day when the brilliant idea struck me. Why don't is use the 'do-this-or-else' idea? Mom used to do it many times. 'do your homework or else no TV in the evening','Eat your vegetables or else no ice cream after your lunch' She never really stopped me from watching TV or from eating ice cream - but the 'fear' that she would actually do it made me do whatever she wanted.
So I too, would SAY that i am committing suicide - but not do it (I was not scared, okay? But as i explained earlier - it was against common sense to do it)
I chose my day to be a Sunday - the day I would announce my suicide attempt. even daddy would be there at home. Maybe he too would realize my importance.
Black Sunday arrived. Daddy was wiping the floor (he did it every Sunday as an exercise) Mom was just starting her work in the kitchen.
The timing had to be perfect. It was. Mom was going to decide the menu for lunch and 'He-man' was going to start on TV (as was 'news' on Daddy's channel) If this worked...for starters - I could get both: My favourite food for lunch and He-man too!
Having timed it perfectly, I came out in the drawing room where daddy was and said loudly (so that mommy could also hear) "I know you both do not love me. I know it. I have cried so many times. You love priya more. So I have decided..." I paused...bracing myself for the initial shocked reaction the shower of hugs and kisses which would follow - even some tears of regret maybe!
"...so I have decided to do suicide". Okay now. Time for the torrent of emotions.
There was a pause alright...but it did not look like a 'shock' pause. I was expecting their lips to curve downwards...but what was this?? Their lips were twitiching UPWARDS!!! My mom was smiling...and my daddy....he was CHUCKLING!! Had i cracked a joke?? Why were these people LAUGHING??
"Oh is it?? Do you know what suicide is??", asked my smiling mom, as normally as she would have asked "Do you know where Daddy is gone?"
Okay. I didnt know exactly. But so what?? I was not joking about it! "Yes. I do. I would never come back after that", I replied. NOW they would know i was not joking!
Daddy now stopped chuckling. Guess my response had made him realize the gravity of the catastrophic situation (and better still..Maybe he was chuckling out of shock earlier)
"Wait here", he said. And walked toward the bathroom. What was he doing?
I looked at my Mom, puzzled. But she looked as puzzled as I was.
My Daddy returned to the room. He had a bottle of Tiger brand Phenyl (used for washing the bath room tiles) "Take this", he said. "You want to commit suicide na? Drink this" as cool as ever - as if he was offering me my morning glass of milk!
I was sure enough now that they were not taking me seriously at all...but the problem was - I had started smiling too..and I don't know why!! Guess that gave it all away.
Although there were no tears, bear hugs and kisses, Mom did give me a sweet mommy-smile and ruffled my hair. Gave me a peck on the cheek and said, "So my sweetie pie was going to commit suicide?"
That was good enough for the first suicide attempt!!! After all, I could make many more attemps whenever I felt the need for more, right?
They seemed to love my kid sister more.
(Please do not smile...or worse - laugh. This is meant to be a tragic phase in the life of an innocent 6 year old boy)
I was fed up of the downright unfair treatment meted out to me. That it came from my parents (my Mommy too!!!) made it intolerable. Why couldnt they see HER mistakes? Why should I always be the one to 'let it go' or 'forgive'? Was it my mistake that I had come into this world 4 years before she did? And talking of being a good child, how would SHE be a good girl if she was pampered this way? Especially when it came to appreciating - the basic fuel for a human, she seemed to be the default receiver! Only because she was smaller, did her cheeks become suddenly more chubbier than mine? I had suddenly become the ugly duckling?
I had lived with it for 6 years. No more could i do it. I had to do something about it for sure.
Nowadays, this thing called 'suicide' was doing the rounds on TV, newspapers. People did something to themselves and they died. Then they never returned. Children did it when they failed in exams, or when they felt that nobody loved them. It was funny, why people were dying for something that somebody else did! But anyways, it seemed to work. Because, after the 'suicide' the parents always realized how good, precious and sweet their child was. Which was exactly what I wanted!
But a small doubt always troubled by little brain. Even if the parents realized their big mistake, if the child cannot come back after doing the suicide, what was the use anyway? I wanted my parent to realize my importance, but i wanted to LIVE to enjoy it. So what could I do?
Although I was small, i was really smart - especially on the day when the brilliant idea struck me. Why don't is use the 'do-this-or-else' idea? Mom used to do it many times. 'do your homework or else no TV in the evening','Eat your vegetables or else no ice cream after your lunch' She never really stopped me from watching TV or from eating ice cream - but the 'fear' that she would actually do it made me do whatever she wanted.
So I too, would SAY that i am committing suicide - but not do it (I was not scared, okay? But as i explained earlier - it was against common sense to do it)
I chose my day to be a Sunday - the day I would announce my suicide attempt. even daddy would be there at home. Maybe he too would realize my importance.
Black Sunday arrived. Daddy was wiping the floor (he did it every Sunday as an exercise) Mom was just starting her work in the kitchen.
The timing had to be perfect. It was. Mom was going to decide the menu for lunch and 'He-man' was going to start on TV (as was 'news' on Daddy's channel) If this worked...for starters - I could get both: My favourite food for lunch and He-man too!
Having timed it perfectly, I came out in the drawing room where daddy was and said loudly (so that mommy could also hear) "I know you both do not love me. I know it. I have cried so many times. You love priya more. So I have decided..." I paused...bracing myself for the initial shocked reaction the shower of hugs and kisses which would follow - even some tears of regret maybe!
"...so I have decided to do suicide". Okay now. Time for the torrent of emotions.
There was a pause alright...but it did not look like a 'shock' pause. I was expecting their lips to curve downwards...but what was this?? Their lips were twitiching UPWARDS!!! My mom was smiling...and my daddy....he was CHUCKLING!! Had i cracked a joke?? Why were these people LAUGHING??
"Oh is it?? Do you know what suicide is??", asked my smiling mom, as normally as she would have asked "Do you know where Daddy is gone?"
Okay. I didnt know exactly. But so what?? I was not joking about it! "Yes. I do. I would never come back after that", I replied. NOW they would know i was not joking!
Daddy now stopped chuckling. Guess my response had made him realize the gravity of the catastrophic situation (and better still..Maybe he was chuckling out of shock earlier)
"Wait here", he said. And walked toward the bathroom. What was he doing?
I looked at my Mom, puzzled. But she looked as puzzled as I was.
My Daddy returned to the room. He had a bottle of Tiger brand Phenyl (used for washing the bath room tiles) "Take this", he said. "You want to commit suicide na? Drink this" as cool as ever - as if he was offering me my morning glass of milk!
I was sure enough now that they were not taking me seriously at all...but the problem was - I had started smiling too..and I don't know why!! Guess that gave it all away.
Although there were no tears, bear hugs and kisses, Mom did give me a sweet mommy-smile and ruffled my hair. Gave me a peck on the cheek and said, "So my sweetie pie was going to commit suicide?"
That was good enough for the first suicide attempt!!! After all, I could make many more attemps whenever I felt the need for more, right?
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