What was, is and will be

Saying we cannot change what was, is truth
Saying we can change what was, is delusion
Saying we will not change what was, is being realistic
Saying we will change what was, is foolishness

Saying we cannot change what is, is acceptance
Saying we can change what is, is denial
Saying we will not change what is, is unnecessary
Saying we will change what is, is a waste of energy

Saying we cannot change what will be, is giving up
Saying we can change what will be, is self-belief
Saying we will not change what will be, is irresponsibility
Saying we will change what will be is action

Acceptance is...

Acceptance is not Approval - That involves judgment
Acceptance is not tolerance - That involves being affected
Acceptance is not meant only for things we cannot change - That would mean helplessness


Acceptance is identifying the present and all that is a part of it.
Acceptance is Acknowledging that the present will in the tiniest moment become a part of the past - and hence unchangeable.
Acceptance is Acknowledging that the future is the tiniest moment away and what we think or do in the same present will determine that future.
Acceptance is to acknowledge the inability to change the past and the power to determine the future

"Low self esteem is when a person thinks he has to be bad first, in order to be better"

Acceptance

Acceptance is a loosely used term. As is 'Accept me for what I am'

This beautiful, deep, all encompassing word often becomes an excuse to get way with whatever we do and then when others retaliate; say "If you loved me, you would accept me as I am", "Yes, this is the way I am. Do not try to change me!!". So where do we draw the line between acceptance and abuse? Between acceptance and becoming a door mat? How do we realize when we use acceptance as a fair expectation or an excuse for our misdeeds?

Words are an insufficient way to express human feelings or ideas. And with as subtle a concept as acceptance - it is all the more difficult. But maybe the following will help prevent its misuse, if not explain it fully for what it is.

The phrase itself if understood word by word completely reveals the meaning. As well as some interesting ways in which it is conveniently misinterpreted.

"Accept me for what I am" is not at all same as "Accept me for what I do".

What we 'are' is the part that we cannot control with our mind or body - our feelings. We might experience feelings of anger, hate, jealousy, revenge, pity, compassion, happiness, euphoria, rage, guilt, regret or any other feeling. This happens due to what we are; due to the stuff we are made of - which is in turn the sum total of our circumstances, learnings, beliefs, past actions and reactions. The same situation - say a game, might induce happiness (of enjoying the game) in one and fear (of losing)  in other. Basically the stuff that arises within our heart before our mind  kicks in. To label these feelings as good or bad, correct or incorrect or to judge ourselves based on these feelings would be foolish, pointless. It is what just we are - at that moment.

However, anything that follows immediately after - in the next moment, depends not on what we are, but on what we choose to do about what we are. And this choice determines who we will be. The labelling itself ("I felt rage at my loved one - so I am bad") is the starting point. It is a choice to "judge" - the mind in action. The justification that follows ("But then who will understand MY problem??? Why should I be the only good person??") is also a choice of our mind, and not who we are. The subsequent action - physical, mental or verbal hurt/help that we cause are our choices realized through our body(Spoken/unspoken/physical). There is a clear gap between our feelings ("who we are" at a given moment) and our subsequent thoughts and actions ("who we choose to be" over a period of time) But our mind fails to realize this difference often when its most needed  - when the gap becomes blurred by our emotions.

Once we understand the difference between "What we are" and "what we become" Acceptance - for ourselves and for others - now simply becomes an obvious option rather than a hard choice.

Nobody can help who we are - including ourselves. By the time we think about it, it is already a part of the 'past' and hence cannot be changed (even if we want to) The only use of the past can be to learn from it during the present, in order to be better in the future. But we are responsible for what we choose to become due to what we are. Expecting others to accept  for what we choose to be is avoiding responsibility for ourselves. Saying "What I am makes me do it" does not absolve us of the responsibility that we choose to let it.

It would now be clear that attempting to "change who you are" is applicable only if someone (including yourself) is trying to change/deny/judge the way you 'feel'. I might expect you to feel happy/grateful (positive for me) at a given moment but you might be feeling sad/unappreciated/vengeful (negative for me). Denying that, judging, not respecting or  acknowledging that feeling would be a mistake - a failure to accept for who you are. On the other hand, choosing harmful thoughts or actions is your responsibility. Tolerating those harmful actions is becoming a doormat.

Lastly, we can see an interesting phenomenon when we ourselves use 'acceptance' as an excuse to avoid responsibility. The starting point of correcting a mistake is to accept it. Even if the whole world accepts us for who we are, but rightly holds us responsible for our harmful actions; unless WE accept ourselves for what we are, the process of correcting the harmful consequences can never begin. In short, acceptance can never work without self-acceptance. When we blame others for not accepting our weaknesses, the question to ask ourselves is "But am I accepting my weakness myself? If yes, what am I doing to prevent it from causing harm to myself or others? Am I accepting myself for what I am by accepting responsibility of the consequences? If yes, how am I showing it?"

The good thing about understanding "acceptance" to ourselves is that it automatically makes 'denial' seem pointless. That it's  about "Cannot change what I am" rather than "Should not change what I am" To others, understanding it's precise meaning relieves them from the fear of becoming a doormat or abused. It allows us to do better in future without making us dwell in guilt about  the past. Doing this consistently makes 'who we are' in future much better than 'who we are' today. It helps everybody in every way.

What's there to lose? :-)

It now seems simple to understand - but that does not mean it is easy to apply. The mind, circumstances, our ego makes it a lot difficult. What are the degrees? What if we cannot accept? What about current limitations? What about unconditional acceptance? Where does 'love' fit in? What's the starting point? What's the final point? Are the intermediate steps of any use? We will talk about the practical application later.