Perception Vs Reality

Do we worry too much about opinion, and care too less about the truth?
Hence do we end up being controlled by popular perception, rather than grounded in personal reality?
Is it surprising that we lose our freedom and feel torn apart? Stressed out?

Isn't justifying all of it saying "Perception is reality" another way of saying "Why bother about the truth, if nobody's going to AGREE to it anyway?" Which soon becomes "Find the popular perception, and conform to it"

We follow someone else's path, reach someone else's destination; and then wonder how we got lost. We are too lazy to challenge convention, and wonder why we are not innovative. We try hard to conform, sometimes even win the contest - and then wonder when we lost our originality.

The winner in a popularity contest, is not the best original but the best conformist. The first rule of the rat-race is that everybody has to run on the same path.

The first rule of the rat-race is that everybody has to run on the same path.

The problem is not that being in touch with reality is difficult. The problem is in thinking that it is pointless. The problem is not in failing to 'find the truth', or in never succeeding. It is in thinking that it's not worth trying. In thinking that it is a point to be reached, when in fact it is a constant process.

Is "Being emotional" a good or a bad thing?

Emotions can often get out of hand and cloud our judgement. Nobody wants that. We often do not like people who cannot "handle their emotions". But there are people, for instance artists, musicians who feel deeply. Their art is an expression of themselves, and people love them. They are peaceful, compassionate, sensitive. So where does one draw the line? On the other hand, we have people who become "indifferent", "detached" and call it being "calm", "objective". Where does objectivity end and indifference begin?

We have to understand the process of how feelings, emotions, thoughts come into being. There are different degrees and stages based on which the lines can be drawn

The original feeling
This is the unnamed 'churn' within. We can simply call it "our bodily response to stimuli". This is not within our control. Its just a play of energies. It has no name.

The degree of feeling: Emotional sensitivity. "Feeling deeply"
I like to call this emotional sensitivity. Some people are less sensitive, some are more. The degree of churn is less or more to the same stimuli. But this is involuntary. 'They' have not entered the picture yet. Its just a natural process. Not having these is impossible. We have not even named it yet. Its just energy. Not within our control. Not even within our perception. Everybody is highly sensitive to begin with - but we can 'blunt' the edge of our perception as we go. We will see how as we proceed.

'Our' response: Emotional reaction
I like to call this our emotional reaction. This has 2 steps: naming and judging:
1. The first step is naming the feeling: anger, disgust, love etc. This is based on our memories, past conditioning. There is a "retrieve, compare and identify" process - thought or the mind has kicked in. What we are comparing the feeling with a past memory. It is something from the past - not actual feeling. The label we will use is for the past, not the actual feeling. So our perception is inevitably 'colored', distorted. The moment we name the feeling, a gap has crept in between reality and our perception of it. It has entered into the mind's realm, and become a thought. The feeling is lost. But we often do not realize it and the perversion starts.
2. Judging the feeling: We not only have past memories. We also have an aversion/clinging to them. This aversion/clinging is also based on past experience. But because we have determined that the current feeling is same as the old one - we respond with the same judgement. Remember that the current feeling was neutral when it started. The naming was done by thought. The judgment(condemnation or approval) is further thought's work. Judgment increases the gap between reality and our perception becomes much wider. Our perception is distorted.

The degree of emotional reaction
Since the perceived feeling is a repetition of the past - the reaction is also magnified. Our aversion becomes more aggressive, and our clinging becomes more desperate. The degree of distortion is directly proportional to this magnification. We are not responding to reality, but to an extremely distorted version of it, which is based on our own perversions. Towards our own past memories. The feeling is long lost. We are condemning/clinging to ourselves, or whatever it is that 'thinks' and we have identified with. Our response can never be optimal enough to meet the real challenge.

The irrationality begins
Responsibility is our response-ability. But sometimes we hate our reaction so much, we are so divorced from reality, that we see it as different from us - we disown it. "This can't be real!!", "This is unfair!!!", "I do not deserve this!!". We have simply lost our ability to respond. This is irresponsibility. Which goes hand in hand with irrationality. Because the moment our mind enters the picture, we own everything that follows. It is not a matter of "choice". But we convince ourselves it is. Self-contradiction is born. This is irrationality. This irrationality can take many forms:

a) Repression: Our response is one of anger. But we disown it. "This cannot be me". What it really means is "This cannot be the 'me' that I like, and the one I am equipped to handle" So it gets repressed. This is an explosive mixture of the stuff we do not like about ourselves, but were forced to experience.

b) Blow ups: When the mixture reaches a critical mass, it explodes. Every blow up is a result of past repressed memories. We are responding not just to the present, but to all past repressed memories.

c) Indifference(consistent repression): True rational behavior happens automatically. If we have to do it voluntarily, it probably is 'rationalization' of something irrational. As the repressive cycles repeat, we are forced to manufacture justifications for our behavior so as to be able to 'live with our repressed selves'. A good way is to desensitize ourselves to the feelings in the first place. So we build a static layer or wall of thoughts to define ourselves. Indifference just becomes "I am extremely rational/objective/calm", "I don't do feelings", "My feelings are just too complicated"(Feelings are feelings, our inability to perceive and put them in a slot is complicated)

d) Aggression(consistent blowing up): "I am just more sensitive!", "I cannot be as insensitive as you!!". Note that the 'sensitiveness' here is an excuse for the heightened reaction. In fact aggressive behavior is also rooted in fear. The blowing up becomes too frequent to justify. So we try to earn the "right to be aggressive"

The ideal is to of course experience and process the original feeling as is, without any need to distort, repress, judge it in any way. Is that possible? Is it practical? Well, that's another topic.

My 10 day Vipassana meditation experience

Its surprising that I never wrote about one of the most significant events in my life until now: The 10 day Vipassana meditation camp I attended. For people who are not aware, this is a 10 day meditation camp that involves NOT TALKING AT ALL. No television, cell phone or books either. Not even smile at or touch each other. Men and women(including spouses) are separated. The objective is to cut off all external mental stimuli, and turn all your attention inwards You meditate for almost 12-14 hours in a day. Yes, I know many people are exclaiming "Vijayraj?? Silent?? For even 1 day?? Impossible!!" For me, that was never a challenge...but that's the irony of my life :( But anyway :)

This happened almost 3.5 years ago. They are headquartered less than 3-4 hours from my home in India. But fate had it that I did the course in the US. This was a childhood dream, so I was very happy when I could work out a plan to do it. 

Day 1 consists of listening to all instructions, especially around the vow of silence. And then the program begins. Even the instructions are given via recorded audio. There is a senior vipassana pracitioner to act as a guide. After every session, you can step closer and very softly ask her questions about the techniques - only around the mechanics. So that you are not ding the technique incorrectly. Discussions/philosphical debates are strictly prohibited. In the evening, there is a DVD discourse on Vipassana meditation, Buddha stories, a trailer of the next day by SN Goenka. You look forward to the discourses because that is the only human voice you hear!! Have to admit his stories were pretty funny and insightful though.

The silence does eerie things to your mind. Note that although I contemplate, think, introspect a lot - I had never meditated as such. Your mind chatter seems much more louder against the silent background. Like noisy students in a library. 

Meditation is primarily about 'letting go'. Not judging. Letting your body, mind and the world be. Watching thoughts, sensations but not controlling them. Since my inner voice was the only voice that was audible(courtesy the vow of silence) one thing that struck me was how harsh, judgmental and self critical that voice was. Especially when my concentration broke, my attention wavered, when my mind would not be silent. Always judging, always comparing, always seeking to become better superior, perfect, ideal; and badgering itself if it seemed anything less. In fact, that seems to be its primary indulgence. So cruelly silly! 

At hindsight, it feels that the vow of silence is the single most powerful factor in the camp. Had people got the chance to discuss what was going on, the comparions would go out of control. And all people would be left with would be images and imaginations of experiences rather than real experiences. Not to mention the frustrations arising out of comparison and 'failure'.

Day 2 was the same. Struggling to reign in the mind which flits around like a monkey. Nothing worth mentioning. 

An extremely odd thing happened on day 3. I was coming out of the morning session maybe aorund 7:30 am. And this one thing seemed to fill my mind - a sanskrit prayer that I had long since forgotten. This was stupefying at too many levels. The meditation program does not involve chanting in any form. I am not a ritualistic person AT ALL. So chanting shloks is not something I do anyway. I have a really bad memory at by hearting stuff I do not understand. And the last time I had uttered this shloks would have to be 18-19 years ago, in a Chinmaya mission prayer group when I was in the 6th grade. I had not uttered it even ONCE after that. But there it flowed, as clearly as a fresh stream...Om sahana vavatu, sahanau bhunaktu, sahaveeryam. ....in its entirety. I have never forgotten it after that. Till date, I have no clue how or why!!!

Day 4 is when I felt my mind was settling, giving in...or was it. This is when the actual vipassana technique is taught. The earlier 3 days are just a 'warm up'. But my mind just would not surrender. Day 5 was a little better, but not much.

Day 6 was the day of epiphany. I still remember it was about 4:30 am. My usual ritual was to decide between waking up and meditating as instructed; or to create some excuses, close my door and go back to sleep. But that day was different. I had not slept much to begin with. And the mind seemed unusually silent. It was a deeper level of silence. Like the silence when a fan is suddenly switched off in a silent room. You realize only then that the room was not really 'silent' after all. Until then you are just too 'used to the noise'. Except this time, it was like 10 fans switched off, and then the air conditioner too. And then the insights started pouring in. I use the phrase 'pouring in' because it was not a voluntary act. It was like nature had always wanted to pour it in, but was waiting for me to empty my bucket and stop moving it around. The fears I had, how I constrained myself, the insecurities behind the success, how I created misery myself, how my want for perfection left me open to guilt and manipulation, how guilt(of not being good) rather than joy(in doing good) had been a driving force, how I had failed to speak up/stand up for myself etc etc. It was like all the pieces of the jigsaw coming together. Actually, that makes it seem too much like the mind's creation. It was more like a 'click'. Finding the missing link and everything falling in place. It all suddenly 'made sense'. This single moment was worth the experience. I cannot say worth the money, because the programs are free :) The realizations were not something to be 'proud' about, but the best thing about realizing the truth is that it frees you; though you might not 'like' it.

The rest of the days were no different. Same mind chatter. I think the best part for me was the silence, enjoying nature. The wild geese that strutted around were the best past time. Fortunately, they were not under a vow of silence. So their honking was music to my ears! :) You start becoming much more observant because there is nothing to distract you anyway.

Day  8 had something in store again. After every session, you are allowed to There was this father/son duo who had come in for this program. The son must be around 23-24 I guess. I am bad at guessing ages anyway. The son acted as his guide throughout the program. Remember we had not talked to each other, but the devotion somehow shone through. I was sitting inline to ask a doubt I had. The father went before me. I did not want to eavesdrop, but I was just 2 feet away. He was sincerely asking "We have lost all our money, how do I help my family? Can this technique help to make things better for my family?" There was no anger, nor desperation in his voice - simply an innocent hope. The instructor obviously had nothing useful to say. The question was not withing her scope. She simply mumbled something about faith etc, but the old man repeated his question "yes, but will it help me make things better?" I could no longer hear anything, nor did it matter. It all seemed just too unreal. Too many things changed..the size of my perceived problems, the significance of family ties, the stereotypes around American affluence...how human pain is universal....a dam had broken. I took a hard gulp for I was next in line to ask my question. Back at my room, the dam broke and tears flowed incessantly. Again, I had no clue why. I had no clue who they were. I never cried easily in the first place!! Something had changed inside. But I had no clue what. And whether the meditation(which I was sure I was very bad at) had anything to do with it.

By day 9, I was frankly pretty bored. The vow of silence had fortunately proved not at all as hard as I had imagined, the meditation was becoming boring, I had already had my share of enriching experiences...I had tasted the nectar. So there was no use wandering around the pitcher anymore. I was glad that this trip was going to end soon. 

Day 10 was 'buffer day'. You are allowed to talk, so that the outside world does not come as a sudden shock. The program ended at about 1 pm I think. And then everybody met again to hear more about the foundation, how we could help, meet each other etc. Another story waited to be discovered. Many of the attendees were of Indian origin, I got talking to this Sikh gentleman, where he was from etc. After some time, I happened to talk to a woman and her teenage daughter. Turned out that the Sikh gentleman was her husband, the girl's father. He had "left the family" for his spiritual pursuits. So here they were, mom and daughter attending the same program with him, in the hope that he would come back. I was at a loss for response. What could I say!!! Offer superficial consolation?

And so the experience ended. Was the experience worth it? ABSOLUTELY. And I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Is it about the meditation? No, I think its about the opportunity to live in an environment of complete silence. The rest just happens. Would I attend it again. Probably not. Because I believe, once I have tasted the silence; the objective should be to cultivate it in the chaos of our daily routine; rather than needing to escape to a 10 day retreat. But to get and plant that seed of silence, the entire 10 days are worth it!! :)

How to make people speak up?

We all know that speaking up, voicing concerns is good. But often people don't. It's obvious that it has to do a lot with trust in the opposite person. Here are a few tips from my own experiences. 

Trusting is about exposing one's vulnerabilities. People in office dont trust for the same reasons children dont trust their parents, or their spouses or anybody else.

a) Fear of judgment. That they will be called the bad guy. Or weak. Or receive anger. This is the hardest to battle because much of it is self-created. 

b) Futility: That speaking is useless anyway. That we will get some management speak, but no solutions. This is most common but easier to combat. 

CORRECTING SELF-BELIEFS

1. "People are too chicken/afraid anyway to speak their mind - unlike me/INTJs/introverts/ etc etc" Would *I* want to speak my mind? Well, then so do other people. Maybe they lack the courage or the techniques. And their fear is ME. And techniques, can't I help, if I think I am good at it?
2. You cannot go in with a mindset that it will fail anyway. Failure is inevitable then
3. Do not hope to solve, make them happy. Then it becomes more about rescuing. Trust is about opening up. Solutions come later. Sometimes they don't. And it still helps. When people feel heard, they feel enabled. They help themselves after that.

STEPS TO BUILD TRUST:

1. I always end my team meetings with "Any cribs/frustrations/issues?" Then I tease the silence that follows "So you are absolutely happy? Amazing!!" It shows that they might be hiding, but that's ok too.
2. Keep bringing up potential issues myself. And speak about them, provide clarifications. Shows that I might be able to and interested in gauging their issues. If I care...I might listen
3. Make it clear that it is for their own sake. And I am not trying to be the good guy. Eg. "If anything, including false problems, prevents you from giving 100% to your job, its MY problem. So if you have issues, please speak about them" 
4. I make it clear that I can promise either of two things: a) Change the situation b) Explain the situation. Or tell them if its not in my hands. So they win either way. Nothing to lose
5. A common challenge is to raise issues about other team mates. Feels like snitching. I provide 2 techniques that help.a) Do not ASSUME the team mate is an issue. Start your talk with "I want to share MY concern. *I* feel that way when.....I might be right/wrong" That helps take ownership b) I make it clear that their job is to report concerns. Deciding whos fault it is, who needs to be talked to(including them) is MY job. They need not worry about it. That reduces their 'burden' of guilt. This really helps many people who see thay they are not 'bad' for hating someone as long as they do not assume they are right
6. Sometimes I provide the trigger by saying "Maybe you feel why are we having people working overtime and cutting the team size on the other hand..."
7. Recently I announced "I am tired of my monologues. Next week, I will choose somebody at random. You have to say 2 issues/cribs/complaints/ideas/suggestions" Its surprising when one voice triggers a domino. Group courage
8. Sometimes people need privacy. I allow that too. 
9. I discourage anonymous responses, because speaking up is half the battle. If they need to be anonymous, it wont work anyway. If they dont trust the guy who is supposed to solve it. 
10. I often say "If you have issues with me, do the same. Preferably speak first hand to me....else to my boss. But its important you SPEAK, You might be nursing a false problem for all you know, or letting a real problem continue" 
11. I make sure to manage on outcomes rather than judge the intentions or background behind them(for eg. Women have personal constraints, somebody has personal issues they cannot share) If its important to them, its enough. At the same time, if I have a challenge myself, I express that too. I negotiate alternatives, but never downplay their REASONS. In short, I think their problem is important, and expect them to do the same for the project. 
12. If somebody has too many issues, their outcomes will be impacted. I make it clear that the judgement/evaluation is on their outcomes, not their problems. Separating ourselves from our outcome is a very tough thing. Helping them do so also builds trust. That I accept their problems, as long as they do so first. 

WHEN SOMEONE DOES SPEAK UP:

1. When someone DOES talk to me, I absolutely do not interrupt. Even if I think I got the issue. Even if they are repeating themselves. People who are weak at speaking up are taking a huge step. Its a lot about absorbing this new way, than just communicating an issue. They have to experience the power fully. Its like saying silently "See?? nothing happened!!" They feel heard.
2. Then i rephrase "I got it...you feel .... when this happens..and you feel its because of this....." It helps a LOT when the opposite person articulates your own point better than you did! They feel understood.
3. I never invalidate feelings. Its like a child's fear of a ghost. The ghost is not real, but the fear is. The reason might be false, but the fear is not. 4. My job is to correct the underlying causes. Being INTJ often helps. I often use "I think there are 2 separate issues here......does that make sense?....And hence the answer would be....What do you think?"
4. when people talk about aspirations etc I do not give BS. I gauge if they are apprehensive. If they are... I am frank and say "Actually I could tell you ....." This verbalizes their hidden fears. Then I add "But frankly, I think...." People appreciate firm, bitter truths much more than sweet, lies that keeps them stuck in false hope. 
5. If I cannot give a solution at that time, I promise to come back...and actually do. Even if it means saying "Am still working on it..." Assures that it is important to me. 
6. End by appreciating them for speaking up. That I would never known about this issue had it not been for them. Ask them to encourage others to do the same. 

All in all:

• Keep hammering the message that speaking up is the first step to anything
• Give them techniques to do so
• Give opportunities, not demands
• Show by example that speaking up is ok. appreciate when it happens
• Prove that it was useful by providing a solution. Else admit that you cannot help. Guide them to others who can