My 10 day Vipassana meditation experience

Its surprising that I never wrote about one of the most significant events in my life until now: The 10 day Vipassana meditation camp I attended. For people who are not aware, this is a 10 day meditation camp that involves NOT TALKING AT ALL. No television, cell phone or books either. Not even smile at or touch each other. Men and women(including spouses) are separated. The objective is to cut off all external mental stimuli, and turn all your attention inwards You meditate for almost 12-14 hours in a day. Yes, I know many people are exclaiming "Vijayraj?? Silent?? For even 1 day?? Impossible!!" For me, that was never a challenge...but that's the irony of my life :( But anyway :)

This happened almost 3.5 years ago. They are headquartered less than 3-4 hours from my home in India. But fate had it that I did the course in the US. This was a childhood dream, so I was very happy when I could work out a plan to do it. 

Day 1 consists of listening to all instructions, especially around the vow of silence. And then the program begins. Even the instructions are given via recorded audio. There is a senior vipassana pracitioner to act as a guide. After every session, you can step closer and very softly ask her questions about the techniques - only around the mechanics. So that you are not ding the technique incorrectly. Discussions/philosphical debates are strictly prohibited. In the evening, there is a DVD discourse on Vipassana meditation, Buddha stories, a trailer of the next day by SN Goenka. You look forward to the discourses because that is the only human voice you hear!! Have to admit his stories were pretty funny and insightful though.

The silence does eerie things to your mind. Note that although I contemplate, think, introspect a lot - I had never meditated as such. Your mind chatter seems much more louder against the silent background. Like noisy students in a library. 

Meditation is primarily about 'letting go'. Not judging. Letting your body, mind and the world be. Watching thoughts, sensations but not controlling them. Since my inner voice was the only voice that was audible(courtesy the vow of silence) one thing that struck me was how harsh, judgmental and self critical that voice was. Especially when my concentration broke, my attention wavered, when my mind would not be silent. Always judging, always comparing, always seeking to become better superior, perfect, ideal; and badgering itself if it seemed anything less. In fact, that seems to be its primary indulgence. So cruelly silly! 

At hindsight, it feels that the vow of silence is the single most powerful factor in the camp. Had people got the chance to discuss what was going on, the comparions would go out of control. And all people would be left with would be images and imaginations of experiences rather than real experiences. Not to mention the frustrations arising out of comparison and 'failure'.

Day 2 was the same. Struggling to reign in the mind which flits around like a monkey. Nothing worth mentioning. 

An extremely odd thing happened on day 3. I was coming out of the morning session maybe aorund 7:30 am. And this one thing seemed to fill my mind - a sanskrit prayer that I had long since forgotten. This was stupefying at too many levels. The meditation program does not involve chanting in any form. I am not a ritualistic person AT ALL. So chanting shloks is not something I do anyway. I have a really bad memory at by hearting stuff I do not understand. And the last time I had uttered this shloks would have to be 18-19 years ago, in a Chinmaya mission prayer group when I was in the 6th grade. I had not uttered it even ONCE after that. But there it flowed, as clearly as a fresh stream...Om sahana vavatu, sahanau bhunaktu, sahaveeryam. ....in its entirety. I have never forgotten it after that. Till date, I have no clue how or why!!!

Day 4 is when I felt my mind was settling, giving in...or was it. This is when the actual vipassana technique is taught. The earlier 3 days are just a 'warm up'. But my mind just would not surrender. Day 5 was a little better, but not much.

Day 6 was the day of epiphany. I still remember it was about 4:30 am. My usual ritual was to decide between waking up and meditating as instructed; or to create some excuses, close my door and go back to sleep. But that day was different. I had not slept much to begin with. And the mind seemed unusually silent. It was a deeper level of silence. Like the silence when a fan is suddenly switched off in a silent room. You realize only then that the room was not really 'silent' after all. Until then you are just too 'used to the noise'. Except this time, it was like 10 fans switched off, and then the air conditioner too. And then the insights started pouring in. I use the phrase 'pouring in' because it was not a voluntary act. It was like nature had always wanted to pour it in, but was waiting for me to empty my bucket and stop moving it around. The fears I had, how I constrained myself, the insecurities behind the success, how I created misery myself, how my want for perfection left me open to guilt and manipulation, how guilt(of not being good) rather than joy(in doing good) had been a driving force, how I had failed to speak up/stand up for myself etc etc. It was like all the pieces of the jigsaw coming together. Actually, that makes it seem too much like the mind's creation. It was more like a 'click'. Finding the missing link and everything falling in place. It all suddenly 'made sense'. This single moment was worth the experience. I cannot say worth the money, because the programs are free :) The realizations were not something to be 'proud' about, but the best thing about realizing the truth is that it frees you; though you might not 'like' it.

The rest of the days were no different. Same mind chatter. I think the best part for me was the silence, enjoying nature. The wild geese that strutted around were the best past time. Fortunately, they were not under a vow of silence. So their honking was music to my ears! :) You start becoming much more observant because there is nothing to distract you anyway.

Day  8 had something in store again. After every session, you are allowed to There was this father/son duo who had come in for this program. The son must be around 23-24 I guess. I am bad at guessing ages anyway. The son acted as his guide throughout the program. Remember we had not talked to each other, but the devotion somehow shone through. I was sitting inline to ask a doubt I had. The father went before me. I did not want to eavesdrop, but I was just 2 feet away. He was sincerely asking "We have lost all our money, how do I help my family? Can this technique help to make things better for my family?" There was no anger, nor desperation in his voice - simply an innocent hope. The instructor obviously had nothing useful to say. The question was not withing her scope. She simply mumbled something about faith etc, but the old man repeated his question "yes, but will it help me make things better?" I could no longer hear anything, nor did it matter. It all seemed just too unreal. Too many things changed..the size of my perceived problems, the significance of family ties, the stereotypes around American affluence...how human pain is universal....a dam had broken. I took a hard gulp for I was next in line to ask my question. Back at my room, the dam broke and tears flowed incessantly. Again, I had no clue why. I had no clue who they were. I never cried easily in the first place!! Something had changed inside. But I had no clue what. And whether the meditation(which I was sure I was very bad at) had anything to do with it.

By day 9, I was frankly pretty bored. The vow of silence had fortunately proved not at all as hard as I had imagined, the meditation was becoming boring, I had already had my share of enriching experiences...I had tasted the nectar. So there was no use wandering around the pitcher anymore. I was glad that this trip was going to end soon. 

Day 10 was 'buffer day'. You are allowed to talk, so that the outside world does not come as a sudden shock. The program ended at about 1 pm I think. And then everybody met again to hear more about the foundation, how we could help, meet each other etc. Another story waited to be discovered. Many of the attendees were of Indian origin, I got talking to this Sikh gentleman, where he was from etc. After some time, I happened to talk to a woman and her teenage daughter. Turned out that the Sikh gentleman was her husband, the girl's father. He had "left the family" for his spiritual pursuits. So here they were, mom and daughter attending the same program with him, in the hope that he would come back. I was at a loss for response. What could I say!!! Offer superficial consolation?

And so the experience ended. Was the experience worth it? ABSOLUTELY. And I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Is it about the meditation? No, I think its about the opportunity to live in an environment of complete silence. The rest just happens. Would I attend it again. Probably not. Because I believe, once I have tasted the silence; the objective should be to cultivate it in the chaos of our daily routine; rather than needing to escape to a 10 day retreat. But to get and plant that seed of silence, the entire 10 days are worth it!! :)