When are we really happy?

In a country where need far exceeds resources, most of us have fought, struggled, fallen, risen, pushed, elbowed a lot, even to get very little.
But somewhere along the line, do we get so used to competing, that we forget to notice when we have enough - and its time to start sharing?

'Sharing' can start only when we have stopped 'wanting'. It is not a means to CREATE happiness. It is a statement that we ARE finally happy.

So the best question to find out if we are really happy might not be "Have I got enough of what I had been wanting?" but "Have I got enough to start sharing?"

As a silly man once truly said "Poverty is a state of mind". It's easy to see how the wealthiest, most ambitious people can have souls living in abject poverty and unhappiness. Perhaps he was speaking about himself and us, more than others.

The underlying meaning of the movie 'Finding Fanny'

For people who hated Finding Fanny because it was too 'unrealistic' or too weird....or liked it only for the great cinematography....it goes much deeper than that. Its not just about 4-5 whackos on a road trip. It is about the utter meaninglessness and randomness of life. the whole irony of it. WE attach 'deep meanings' and 'lessons' and 'wisdom' to events - but the universe just does not care! It does not function according to our expectations.We are insignificant specks trying to choose random beads and weave together a beautiful story to celebrate ourselves.

For people who already got it, stop here. Others read on...

(SPOILER ALERT)
Pankaj Kapoor is an extreme egotist. He thinks the world revolves around him....but nobody notices even when he DIES! But his painting lives on and becomes a masterpiece....though it seemed 'weird' to begin with. Ranveer singh is the quintessential 'positive' guy who thinks everybody loves him, people cannot say 'no' to him...dies cos his mom tried to save a few pennies on the CAKE decoration...on his wedding!! Naseer lives an illusion his entire life...even gets to PURSUING it.....even ACHIEVES it...but the dream itself turns out to be a joke. Fanny did not even THINK about him, in fact she was a pretty 'colorful' lady. Dimple is trying to be 'in control' - but her life is built on a secret lie. She even thanks naseer for guarding it - AFTER he has disclosed it. She is supposed to be the pupeteer of the village - but Pankaj kapoor controls her like a puppet(when he paints)
Deepika even says at the end..that she would have loved to say 'the journey has given her wisdom etc...but has it?'

The letter itself is the most beautiful example. It never made its way to Fanny. Forget being 'not delivered' - it did not even START on its way. Naseer was exactly at the same spot 40 years ago - but he made long journeys IN HIS MIND. In fact, he is in the same spot from a JOB perspective - having taken up the spot of the same guy who screwed up his love life in the first place. The irony!!

Nothing is at it seems. What we are chasing are often our own illusions. We think we are in control, but its just lucky, merry coincidence.So relax. You are totally out of control 

Perception Vs Reality

Do we worry too much about opinion, and care too less about the truth?
Hence do we end up being controlled by popular perception, rather than grounded in personal reality?
Is it surprising that we lose our freedom and feel torn apart? Stressed out?

Isn't justifying all of it saying "Perception is reality" another way of saying "Why bother about the truth, if nobody's going to AGREE to it anyway?" Which soon becomes "Find the popular perception, and conform to it"

We follow someone else's path, reach someone else's destination; and then wonder how we got lost. We are too lazy to challenge convention, and wonder why we are not innovative. We try hard to conform, sometimes even win the contest - and then wonder when we lost our originality.

The winner in a popularity contest, is not the best original but the best conformist. The first rule of the rat-race is that everybody has to run on the same path.

The first rule of the rat-race is that everybody has to run on the same path.

The problem is not that being in touch with reality is difficult. The problem is in thinking that it is pointless. The problem is not in failing to 'find the truth', or in never succeeding. It is in thinking that it's not worth trying. In thinking that it is a point to be reached, when in fact it is a constant process.

Is "Being emotional" a good or a bad thing?

Emotions can often get out of hand and cloud our judgement. Nobody wants that. We often do not like people who cannot "handle their emotions". But there are people, for instance artists, musicians who feel deeply. Their art is an expression of themselves, and people love them. They are peaceful, compassionate, sensitive. So where does one draw the line? On the other hand, we have people who become "indifferent", "detached" and call it being "calm", "objective". Where does objectivity end and indifference begin?

We have to understand the process of how feelings, emotions, thoughts come into being. There are different degrees and stages based on which the lines can be drawn

The original feeling
This is the unnamed 'churn' within. We can simply call it "our bodily response to stimuli". This is not within our control. Its just a play of energies. It has no name.

The degree of feeling: Emotional sensitivity. "Feeling deeply"
I like to call this emotional sensitivity. Some people are less sensitive, some are more. The degree of churn is less or more to the same stimuli. But this is involuntary. 'They' have not entered the picture yet. Its just a natural process. Not having these is impossible. We have not even named it yet. Its just energy. Not within our control. Not even within our perception. Everybody is highly sensitive to begin with - but we can 'blunt' the edge of our perception as we go. We will see how as we proceed.

'Our' response: Emotional reaction
I like to call this our emotional reaction. This has 2 steps: naming and judging:
1. The first step is naming the feeling: anger, disgust, love etc. This is based on our memories, past conditioning. There is a "retrieve, compare and identify" process - thought or the mind has kicked in. What we are comparing the feeling with a past memory. It is something from the past - not actual feeling. The label we will use is for the past, not the actual feeling. So our perception is inevitably 'colored', distorted. The moment we name the feeling, a gap has crept in between reality and our perception of it. It has entered into the mind's realm, and become a thought. The feeling is lost. But we often do not realize it and the perversion starts.
2. Judging the feeling: We not only have past memories. We also have an aversion/clinging to them. This aversion/clinging is also based on past experience. But because we have determined that the current feeling is same as the old one - we respond with the same judgement. Remember that the current feeling was neutral when it started. The naming was done by thought. The judgment(condemnation or approval) is further thought's work. Judgment increases the gap between reality and our perception becomes much wider. Our perception is distorted.

The degree of emotional reaction
Since the perceived feeling is a repetition of the past - the reaction is also magnified. Our aversion becomes more aggressive, and our clinging becomes more desperate. The degree of distortion is directly proportional to this magnification. We are not responding to reality, but to an extremely distorted version of it, which is based on our own perversions. Towards our own past memories. The feeling is long lost. We are condemning/clinging to ourselves, or whatever it is that 'thinks' and we have identified with. Our response can never be optimal enough to meet the real challenge.

The irrationality begins
Responsibility is our response-ability. But sometimes we hate our reaction so much, we are so divorced from reality, that we see it as different from us - we disown it. "This can't be real!!", "This is unfair!!!", "I do not deserve this!!". We have simply lost our ability to respond. This is irresponsibility. Which goes hand in hand with irrationality. Because the moment our mind enters the picture, we own everything that follows. It is not a matter of "choice". But we convince ourselves it is. Self-contradiction is born. This is irrationality. This irrationality can take many forms:

a) Repression: Our response is one of anger. But we disown it. "This cannot be me". What it really means is "This cannot be the 'me' that I like, and the one I am equipped to handle" So it gets repressed. This is an explosive mixture of the stuff we do not like about ourselves, but were forced to experience.

b) Blow ups: When the mixture reaches a critical mass, it explodes. Every blow up is a result of past repressed memories. We are responding not just to the present, but to all past repressed memories.

c) Indifference(consistent repression): True rational behavior happens automatically. If we have to do it voluntarily, it probably is 'rationalization' of something irrational. As the repressive cycles repeat, we are forced to manufacture justifications for our behavior so as to be able to 'live with our repressed selves'. A good way is to desensitize ourselves to the feelings in the first place. So we build a static layer or wall of thoughts to define ourselves. Indifference just becomes "I am extremely rational/objective/calm", "I don't do feelings", "My feelings are just too complicated"(Feelings are feelings, our inability to perceive and put them in a slot is complicated)

d) Aggression(consistent blowing up): "I am just more sensitive!", "I cannot be as insensitive as you!!". Note that the 'sensitiveness' here is an excuse for the heightened reaction. In fact aggressive behavior is also rooted in fear. The blowing up becomes too frequent to justify. So we try to earn the "right to be aggressive"

The ideal is to of course experience and process the original feeling as is, without any need to distort, repress, judge it in any way. Is that possible? Is it practical? Well, that's another topic.

My 10 day Vipassana meditation experience

Its surprising that I never wrote about one of the most significant events in my life until now: The 10 day Vipassana meditation camp I attended. For people who are not aware, this is a 10 day meditation camp that involves NOT TALKING AT ALL. No television, cell phone or books either. Not even smile at or touch each other. Men and women(including spouses) are separated. The objective is to cut off all external mental stimuli, and turn all your attention inwards You meditate for almost 12-14 hours in a day. Yes, I know many people are exclaiming "Vijayraj?? Silent?? For even 1 day?? Impossible!!" For me, that was never a challenge...but that's the irony of my life :( But anyway :)

This happened almost 3.5 years ago. They are headquartered less than 3-4 hours from my home in India. But fate had it that I did the course in the US. This was a childhood dream, so I was very happy when I could work out a plan to do it. 

Day 1 consists of listening to all instructions, especially around the vow of silence. And then the program begins. Even the instructions are given via recorded audio. There is a senior vipassana pracitioner to act as a guide. After every session, you can step closer and very softly ask her questions about the techniques - only around the mechanics. So that you are not ding the technique incorrectly. Discussions/philosphical debates are strictly prohibited. In the evening, there is a DVD discourse on Vipassana meditation, Buddha stories, a trailer of the next day by SN Goenka. You look forward to the discourses because that is the only human voice you hear!! Have to admit his stories were pretty funny and insightful though.

The silence does eerie things to your mind. Note that although I contemplate, think, introspect a lot - I had never meditated as such. Your mind chatter seems much more louder against the silent background. Like noisy students in a library. 

Meditation is primarily about 'letting go'. Not judging. Letting your body, mind and the world be. Watching thoughts, sensations but not controlling them. Since my inner voice was the only voice that was audible(courtesy the vow of silence) one thing that struck me was how harsh, judgmental and self critical that voice was. Especially when my concentration broke, my attention wavered, when my mind would not be silent. Always judging, always comparing, always seeking to become better superior, perfect, ideal; and badgering itself if it seemed anything less. In fact, that seems to be its primary indulgence. So cruelly silly! 

At hindsight, it feels that the vow of silence is the single most powerful factor in the camp. Had people got the chance to discuss what was going on, the comparions would go out of control. And all people would be left with would be images and imaginations of experiences rather than real experiences. Not to mention the frustrations arising out of comparison and 'failure'.

Day 2 was the same. Struggling to reign in the mind which flits around like a monkey. Nothing worth mentioning. 

An extremely odd thing happened on day 3. I was coming out of the morning session maybe aorund 7:30 am. And this one thing seemed to fill my mind - a sanskrit prayer that I had long since forgotten. This was stupefying at too many levels. The meditation program does not involve chanting in any form. I am not a ritualistic person AT ALL. So chanting shloks is not something I do anyway. I have a really bad memory at by hearting stuff I do not understand. And the last time I had uttered this shloks would have to be 18-19 years ago, in a Chinmaya mission prayer group when I was in the 6th grade. I had not uttered it even ONCE after that. But there it flowed, as clearly as a fresh stream...Om sahana vavatu, sahanau bhunaktu, sahaveeryam. ....in its entirety. I have never forgotten it after that. Till date, I have no clue how or why!!!

Day 4 is when I felt my mind was settling, giving in...or was it. This is when the actual vipassana technique is taught. The earlier 3 days are just a 'warm up'. But my mind just would not surrender. Day 5 was a little better, but not much.

Day 6 was the day of epiphany. I still remember it was about 4:30 am. My usual ritual was to decide between waking up and meditating as instructed; or to create some excuses, close my door and go back to sleep. But that day was different. I had not slept much to begin with. And the mind seemed unusually silent. It was a deeper level of silence. Like the silence when a fan is suddenly switched off in a silent room. You realize only then that the room was not really 'silent' after all. Until then you are just too 'used to the noise'. Except this time, it was like 10 fans switched off, and then the air conditioner too. And then the insights started pouring in. I use the phrase 'pouring in' because it was not a voluntary act. It was like nature had always wanted to pour it in, but was waiting for me to empty my bucket and stop moving it around. The fears I had, how I constrained myself, the insecurities behind the success, how I created misery myself, how my want for perfection left me open to guilt and manipulation, how guilt(of not being good) rather than joy(in doing good) had been a driving force, how I had failed to speak up/stand up for myself etc etc. It was like all the pieces of the jigsaw coming together. Actually, that makes it seem too much like the mind's creation. It was more like a 'click'. Finding the missing link and everything falling in place. It all suddenly 'made sense'. This single moment was worth the experience. I cannot say worth the money, because the programs are free :) The realizations were not something to be 'proud' about, but the best thing about realizing the truth is that it frees you; though you might not 'like' it.

The rest of the days were no different. Same mind chatter. I think the best part for me was the silence, enjoying nature. The wild geese that strutted around were the best past time. Fortunately, they were not under a vow of silence. So their honking was music to my ears! :) You start becoming much more observant because there is nothing to distract you anyway.

Day  8 had something in store again. After every session, you are allowed to There was this father/son duo who had come in for this program. The son must be around 23-24 I guess. I am bad at guessing ages anyway. The son acted as his guide throughout the program. Remember we had not talked to each other, but the devotion somehow shone through. I was sitting inline to ask a doubt I had. The father went before me. I did not want to eavesdrop, but I was just 2 feet away. He was sincerely asking "We have lost all our money, how do I help my family? Can this technique help to make things better for my family?" There was no anger, nor desperation in his voice - simply an innocent hope. The instructor obviously had nothing useful to say. The question was not withing her scope. She simply mumbled something about faith etc, but the old man repeated his question "yes, but will it help me make things better?" I could no longer hear anything, nor did it matter. It all seemed just too unreal. Too many things changed..the size of my perceived problems, the significance of family ties, the stereotypes around American affluence...how human pain is universal....a dam had broken. I took a hard gulp for I was next in line to ask my question. Back at my room, the dam broke and tears flowed incessantly. Again, I had no clue why. I had no clue who they were. I never cried easily in the first place!! Something had changed inside. But I had no clue what. And whether the meditation(which I was sure I was very bad at) had anything to do with it.

By day 9, I was frankly pretty bored. The vow of silence had fortunately proved not at all as hard as I had imagined, the meditation was becoming boring, I had already had my share of enriching experiences...I had tasted the nectar. So there was no use wandering around the pitcher anymore. I was glad that this trip was going to end soon. 

Day 10 was 'buffer day'. You are allowed to talk, so that the outside world does not come as a sudden shock. The program ended at about 1 pm I think. And then everybody met again to hear more about the foundation, how we could help, meet each other etc. Another story waited to be discovered. Many of the attendees were of Indian origin, I got talking to this Sikh gentleman, where he was from etc. After some time, I happened to talk to a woman and her teenage daughter. Turned out that the Sikh gentleman was her husband, the girl's father. He had "left the family" for his spiritual pursuits. So here they were, mom and daughter attending the same program with him, in the hope that he would come back. I was at a loss for response. What could I say!!! Offer superficial consolation?

And so the experience ended. Was the experience worth it? ABSOLUTELY. And I would highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. Is it about the meditation? No, I think its about the opportunity to live in an environment of complete silence. The rest just happens. Would I attend it again. Probably not. Because I believe, once I have tasted the silence; the objective should be to cultivate it in the chaos of our daily routine; rather than needing to escape to a 10 day retreat. But to get and plant that seed of silence, the entire 10 days are worth it!! :)

How to make people speak up?

We all know that speaking up, voicing concerns is good. But often people don't. It's obvious that it has to do a lot with trust in the opposite person. Here are a few tips from my own experiences. 

Trusting is about exposing one's vulnerabilities. People in office dont trust for the same reasons children dont trust their parents, or their spouses or anybody else.

a) Fear of judgment. That they will be called the bad guy. Or weak. Or receive anger. This is the hardest to battle because much of it is self-created. 

b) Futility: That speaking is useless anyway. That we will get some management speak, but no solutions. This is most common but easier to combat. 

CORRECTING SELF-BELIEFS

1. "People are too chicken/afraid anyway to speak their mind - unlike me/INTJs/introverts/ etc etc" Would *I* want to speak my mind? Well, then so do other people. Maybe they lack the courage or the techniques. And their fear is ME. And techniques, can't I help, if I think I am good at it?
2. You cannot go in with a mindset that it will fail anyway. Failure is inevitable then
3. Do not hope to solve, make them happy. Then it becomes more about rescuing. Trust is about opening up. Solutions come later. Sometimes they don't. And it still helps. When people feel heard, they feel enabled. They help themselves after that.

STEPS TO BUILD TRUST:

1. I always end my team meetings with "Any cribs/frustrations/issues?" Then I tease the silence that follows "So you are absolutely happy? Amazing!!" It shows that they might be hiding, but that's ok too.
2. Keep bringing up potential issues myself. And speak about them, provide clarifications. Shows that I might be able to and interested in gauging their issues. If I care...I might listen
3. Make it clear that it is for their own sake. And I am not trying to be the good guy. Eg. "If anything, including false problems, prevents you from giving 100% to your job, its MY problem. So if you have issues, please speak about them" 
4. I make it clear that I can promise either of two things: a) Change the situation b) Explain the situation. Or tell them if its not in my hands. So they win either way. Nothing to lose
5. A common challenge is to raise issues about other team mates. Feels like snitching. I provide 2 techniques that help.a) Do not ASSUME the team mate is an issue. Start your talk with "I want to share MY concern. *I* feel that way when.....I might be right/wrong" That helps take ownership b) I make it clear that their job is to report concerns. Deciding whos fault it is, who needs to be talked to(including them) is MY job. They need not worry about it. That reduces their 'burden' of guilt. This really helps many people who see thay they are not 'bad' for hating someone as long as they do not assume they are right
6. Sometimes I provide the trigger by saying "Maybe you feel why are we having people working overtime and cutting the team size on the other hand..."
7. Recently I announced "I am tired of my monologues. Next week, I will choose somebody at random. You have to say 2 issues/cribs/complaints/ideas/suggestions" Its surprising when one voice triggers a domino. Group courage
8. Sometimes people need privacy. I allow that too. 
9. I discourage anonymous responses, because speaking up is half the battle. If they need to be anonymous, it wont work anyway. If they dont trust the guy who is supposed to solve it. 
10. I often say "If you have issues with me, do the same. Preferably speak first hand to me....else to my boss. But its important you SPEAK, You might be nursing a false problem for all you know, or letting a real problem continue" 
11. I make sure to manage on outcomes rather than judge the intentions or background behind them(for eg. Women have personal constraints, somebody has personal issues they cannot share) If its important to them, its enough. At the same time, if I have a challenge myself, I express that too. I negotiate alternatives, but never downplay their REASONS. In short, I think their problem is important, and expect them to do the same for the project. 
12. If somebody has too many issues, their outcomes will be impacted. I make it clear that the judgement/evaluation is on their outcomes, not their problems. Separating ourselves from our outcome is a very tough thing. Helping them do so also builds trust. That I accept their problems, as long as they do so first. 

WHEN SOMEONE DOES SPEAK UP:

1. When someone DOES talk to me, I absolutely do not interrupt. Even if I think I got the issue. Even if they are repeating themselves. People who are weak at speaking up are taking a huge step. Its a lot about absorbing this new way, than just communicating an issue. They have to experience the power fully. Its like saying silently "See?? nothing happened!!" They feel heard.
2. Then i rephrase "I got it...you feel .... when this happens..and you feel its because of this....." It helps a LOT when the opposite person articulates your own point better than you did! They feel understood.
3. I never invalidate feelings. Its like a child's fear of a ghost. The ghost is not real, but the fear is. The reason might be false, but the fear is not. 4. My job is to correct the underlying causes. Being INTJ often helps. I often use "I think there are 2 separate issues here......does that make sense?....And hence the answer would be....What do you think?"
4. when people talk about aspirations etc I do not give BS. I gauge if they are apprehensive. If they are... I am frank and say "Actually I could tell you ....." This verbalizes their hidden fears. Then I add "But frankly, I think...." People appreciate firm, bitter truths much more than sweet, lies that keeps them stuck in false hope. 
5. If I cannot give a solution at that time, I promise to come back...and actually do. Even if it means saying "Am still working on it..." Assures that it is important to me. 
6. End by appreciating them for speaking up. That I would never known about this issue had it not been for them. Ask them to encourage others to do the same. 

All in all:

• Keep hammering the message that speaking up is the first step to anything
• Give them techniques to do so
• Give opportunities, not demands
• Show by example that speaking up is ok. appreciate when it happens
• Prove that it was useful by providing a solution. Else admit that you cannot help. Guide them to others who can

It rained....but....

The rain comes down pouring. The water darts piercing the half-done road, revealing interesting potholes that always existed but never perceived. One of them resembles a crucifix. Repeatedly trampled upon by trucks, cars. Calling it a war-scar might be more accurate? Perhaps it's care, when its delicately hopped over by kids afraid of unearthing the raw pain underneath.

But there's a problem this time. The drops dance with all their might, but the trees won't. They do not sway in joy, completing the delicate tango. They are still, they look sad. Were the rains too late? Has the father come in too late to the kid's birthday party? For the trees do resemble that child's face, or the would-be bride who kept waiting at the wedding. The drops on the leaves that sprayed out like passionate sweat from a dancer's body, now slide down in silent anguish. Is her heart broken?

It seems like the rain realizes this deep down. For there is no proud thunder this time. An incomplete dance and no music. Only a dull, almost apologetic bass created by the sincere rain drops. No wonder the birds do not seem to be paying attention. They came to a show that never happened. Perhaps they feel let-down too. They go about with their usual pecking. There is one little birdie on the top of an antenna who is not ready to give up. Like a poor friend who is caught in the middle of a conflict between his other two friends. It shakes the rain off, then stares at the tree - its little, helpless brain wanting to help, but not knowing how.

The kids are at the windows though. Making the best of whatever they can - as they usually do. The rain drops won't give up - but it seems like the disappointment is rubbing off. They slow down to a slow murmur. And then subside. 

The hope is that the sadness does not last too long. A wind of change would would do the trick maybe. Tickle the girl into an irrational giggle, where rational persistence won't work. Everybody needs a helping hand sometimes....to bring back the happy times.

P.S. It was not always like this.....Read about the good times here

Engineering Myth: "KTs are the norm!"

"Start getting used to KTs!!" are the first words of wisdom you hear when you enter an Indian engineering college. Is this indeed a harsh reality? Or are we fooling ourselves into this limiting belief that "Failure is normal"? The numbers seem to say a resounding 'Yes'!!

A key contributor is the approach to studying. The normal 'chill out during the semester and slog during the study leave' vs the 'Study regularly during entire semester'

Even the easiest 'study regularly in the entire semester' mode provides 179% more hours than the usual 'Slog during the study leave' plan. Would it be safe to assume that the results might be different too? 179% more work could fetch us at least 30% more in results? Let us see how.

Key Observations during the calculations:

• Professor are NOT assumed to be perfect in both modes - only 70% effective
• Only 1 hour of daily home study and just 4 hours on Sunday assumed for the 'Regular' mode! Attendance assumed is the minimum mandated 75%!
• Effectiveness is key. We fail to realize the reduction in effectiveness when we lose continuity in class and copy assignments. Consistency contributes to a lot.
• The 'Slog mode' achieves just 35 effective study hours in the entire semester!! Though we seem to attend a lot of classes and do a lot of assignments!! 
• For all the "chilling out" we think we do, the total hours put in both modes are almost the same(1413 hrs in regular mode and 1158 hrs in slog mode) 
• The difference is in the outcome i.e. productivity: 87% productivity in Regular mode vs a measly 38% in slog mode. No wonder why slog mode always results in being 'on the border of a KT' despite 'putting in the same amount of work'
• Almost 720 hours are wasted in the slog mode(more than 70%) Can you imagine how frustrating that can be? Is it surprising that we end up hating engineering and the frustration lasts beyond the academic years?

Questions worth asking:

• The slog approach relies on studying most in the least time. Can we imagine the amount of unproductivity, stress and fear of failure this can lead to?
• We think we are chilling out a lot - but in reality, the chill mode gives us only 18% or 255 hrs to chill out, than regular mode. But it leads to 720 hours of WASTAGE!!! Is it worth it? 
• Instead of 'wasting' 720 hours in working, but not benefiting, what if we consciously decided to miss some classes, spend the time in extra-curricular activities, and then catch up with studies? The 179% advantage might be reduced, but it is still OK!! It would allow us to succeed at studies as well as extra curricular activities! This allows us to build a good 'story' when the placement season arrives
• If we look at the numbers, the regular approach is actually much easier than the slog approach AND gives us a 179% advantage. It even gives us scope to become an all-rounder, pick up other hobbies.  It is a win-win situation. Why do we then keep opting for the harmful alternative?

Hopefully this forces us to question our limiting beliefs and make our college time easier, less stressful and more effective!

Clarity based Leadership: The path of self-awareness

A Leader is often the stereotypical 'extrovert, great orator, charismatic, impressive personality with a great sense of humor'. Have you not felt yourself trusting, relying, following someone who might exhibit none of these stereotypical qualities? Including people who are not materially 'successful'. What is their secret? 

I call it Clarity based leadership, which stems from self-awareness. 

Let me first talk about self-awareness and leadership individually, and then proceed to showing their relationship. 

What Self-awareness is NOT?

Self-awareness is not "evaluation". Evaluation is 'judgement' - which comes from feedback. But feedback is just an opinion. Other's opinions might be less 'biased' - but they are still opinions. They might even be contradictory - your office colleagues say you are a great listener, your wife says you are not. Who to believe? It is also subjective- someone says your questioning demonstrates intelligence, others say it displays arrogance. Who to believe? And why does the difference occur? Because their opinion/judgment/interpretation is biased too, according to their own conditioning. 

We often go by the 'majority' - but its all perception after all. Second hand truth. Not first hand experience. 

The very fact that there seem to be multiple perceptions implies that the truth is missing. Truth is just a fact, not an outcome of a majority vote. Evaluation including self-evaluation is based on underlying beliefs, conditioning - and therefore not awareness.

What is self-awareness?

Awareness is neutral observation of what IS. Not saying "This is good, I should do this" or "This is bad. I should avoid this". Not even "I should not be judging". But simply observing. The mind will desperately try to 'react' to what is, based on its past memories, beliefs - that's how it survives. But true awareness arises when the mind gives in and becomes silent. The water is undisturbed. Now you can see clearly beneath the surface, without distortion, without having to 'guess', without having to take a majority vote. You see what is. There is clarity. You see the everything in its totality. Not just the fork in the road, but where they end, and where they connect. Its all clear. The decision becomes 'obvious' not an outcome of  'analysis'

But what does this have to do with leadership?

Many believe leadership is about the 'following' you have. But that's 'popularity'. Which is again dependent on majority perception of awesome, cool. You are at the follower's mercy - how can you be the "leader"?

Some say leadership is about being liked - by most of not everybody. But people like you only if you can give them what they want(pleasing) or make them believe that you are giving them what the want(manipulation) or give them what you want in exchange for what you want(motivation: a refined form of manipulation). But motivation relies on keeping the wants, dependency alive. The moment their want ends, the moment their dependency on you ends - you are no longer a leader. You are at best a good "caregiver". 

A true leader is not afraid of the "kids growing up and not needing him". He cultivates leaders, not followers. Only that can lead to a 'synergetic' effect, not sustained dependency. 

Separating 'need' from 'want'

Growing leaders, or people demands seeing what they need - rather than being dictated by what they want. But isn't "what they need" also an opinion? Good question. The answer depends on 'need for WHAT?'. 

If it is "what they need.... so that you can meet your goals" - its still motivation/manipulation etc. If it is "what they need to come closer to the truth", then 'you' are out. But it cannot be YOUR version of the truth. They have to see it for what it is - in order to gain that clarity and knowing which road to take. But if they do not have the clarity, and you are the leader here - what needs to happen to help them achieve that clarity?

Clarity based leadership

You have to be extremely clear yourself first. You also have to be clear that they are NOT clear. That their minds are conditioned. If you start judging that as 'bad', 'immature'..you are 'disturbing the water', The 'cloudiness of the situation' is increasing. If your mind can be undisturbed, and can be aware  of the total situation including their AND YOUR own conditioning - you know what needs to be done. Note that you have not become 'superior'. You have just become AWARE of your conditioning, Hence you are free of it. 

How to cultivate self-awareness?

Its simple - and hence difficult...for a conditioned mind. A mind that seeks heavy proofs, analysis, evidence according to its own conditioning, before it will accept another equally strong "belief". 

All that you need to do is OBSERVE, NOTICE. See "What is happening..." See your reactions, your fears, your thought process, your feelings in situations. WITHOUT TRYING TO STOP THEM. All the while - not just during 10 scheduled minutes of meditation. That's it!!!

Remember that the mind DEPENDS on 'reacting' to survive. A situation produces a sensation, which triggers a memory, which sets of a reaction(judgment/clinging/condemnation), produces another sensation and thus a spiral. When you are only seeing - you have cut off the fuel supply. The "crazy engine chatter" slows down as your self awareness increases. 

Also, you are not 'cultivating' self-awareness. You are just dropping the resistance to what is - including the mind chatter. Refusing to stop the ripples by throwing more stones into the water. Letting it settle...on its own. The more you 'try', the more disturbed it will become. 

Clarity ---> insight --> leadership

When you achieve clarity, you begin to see 'more'...you see how you might be throwing stones into their ponds as well. And you stop doing that. They might condemn you, hate you when you are strict...try to flatter you, congratulate you when you pamper them...but you are undisturbed. Because you are no longer afraid of what is - including your own fears - you are free of fear. Because you are free - You do not "need" anything from them. You do your part, but there is no need to manipulate them into "achieving" anything. This automatically builds trust. People 'trust' your insight more than theirs. Even when it leads them to something that seems scary at first sight. But they trust that you might see what they don't. That eventually, it will lead them to greater good. When this happens, you don't need to 'motivate' them, manipulate them. If they fail, they still take responsibility. Isn't that a sign of real growth?

This also explains why leaders come in many forms - not just the stereotypical 'extrovert, great orator, charismatic, impressive personality with a great sense of humor'. Have you not felt yourself trusting, relying, following someone who might exhibit none of these stereotypical qualities? The common factor between these people is the unshakable inner calm, which might be expressed in a speech, a smile or even silence. But every expression emanates from a beautiful silence, not confused noise. 

Unbelievable but true

No motivational strategies, no 'trying', no incentive systems, not even doing anything for them, not even 'doing' anything for YOURSELF...but just watching yourself. Letting the clarity set in. The rest just happens. 

Leading the way by walking on it, with open eyes, with clarity..(How can you lead if your own sight is clouded?) Without bothering if you are being followed.  That is true leadership

Finding your passion

From My quora answer to 'Is it possible to "love what you do"?'

Note: The answer is reproduced here. The Quora answer has follow up comments which might be useful as well.

Very good question. Many often struggle with this question, but are unfortunately climbing the wrong ladder - because we just accord a superficial look at these questions. And then wonder why we

Passion and your job

If you do manage to find your passion, you won't need a job to do it.
You have already been learning about it, trying it, spending time on it, can talk about it, don't get threatened by opposing views(because you value deeper understanding, fusing perspectives - over proving your side)
If you are waiting to get into the right job to do it - then its not your passion. Its probably something you are good at and hence, the chances of 'success' are greater. 

Making our own choices

(Based more on an Indian context)

During childhood:

• Recite tables until 20 without having a clue to what they mean anyway
• Be compared with the neighbourhood kids and 'why you are useless' anyway. Do not find what you are good at - but work based on 'What you suck at' anyway
• Work hard at school, in ALL subjects with no clue what you prefer or why anyway
• Be convinced that the subjects you love are the subjects that you get good marks in. Then get thrashed

Quora writings: Why are we captivated by cults?

Why are we so captivated by cult leaders? Why do we not understand that in the end, we'll have to help ourselves, and that nobody else can do so?

If we look at the current Indian election campaigns, everybody is expecting nothing less than miracles from some leaders. Why do we do so? Why do we not understand that in a country like India, which is so huge and diverse, things do not happen overnight or by miracles. It takes lots of time and effort to make it a reality. And please do not answer like "Indians are dumb." I am looking for objective answers from a psychological perspective.
Read Quote of Vijayraj Kamat's answer to Why are we so captivated by cult leaders? Why do we not understand that in the end, we'll have to help ourselves, and that nobody else can do so? on Quora

Where can you find the most beautiful girls?

What is perfect beauty? A beautiful face, large eyes, a petite nose, full lips, delicate ears, a slender neck, full breasts, a back that tapers beautifully to a thin waist and then smoothly expands to full, feminine hips again curving into thin toned, smooth legs? Flawless skin with beautiful silky hair? Seems perfect or atleast close? Well, don't you see that description everywhere? On TV, on ramps, in billboard ads, in newspaper ads staring out at you with the perfect pout, the perfect smile, the perfect look, the perfect body. After a point it starts seeming that they are being churned out of an assembly line. Perfect - to the last 'specification'!! Beautiful? Yes. But one goes, and you see another. And what is 'perfect' beauty if you always seem to find another good enough substitute? Can that qualify as perfect, rare beauty? Seems like there is some missing element.

It feels as if God sat down one day, bored with the task of making beautiful women, handsome men...and found a way to 'automate'. Mass manufactured the perfect beauties and wrote down their fates too - models, beauty contest winners, cover girls...the more mundane of jobs, the more 'predictable' of jobs - where you go and know exactly what you will get - Perfection. Jobs which fit them perfectly, and they fit it perfectly as well. Then, when He got all spiced up again, He sat down to work on each girl, with his own hand, manually...and the imperfection that goes into it. Like the difference between a painting and a photograph.

You are in a train, you might feel captivated by the new girl on the mag cover...but what really takes your breath away is perhaps the girl sitting at the opposite window, reading a book, her hair blowing in the gentle wind...or maybe you are on your way to office and you stop, your eyes rooted on a girl who is happily talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Or maybe you are all grumpy after a hard days work, standing in front of the elevator, the door opens and out emerges a girl whom is...just ........IMPERFECT! She gives you a courteous smile...and you are even afraid to blink and miss seeing her even for a hundredth of a second. Is she perfect? Far from it! But maybe THAT is what does the trick! The dimple on her left cheek, the imperfect lips which are nearly full.....but seem to be just a little crooked, the eyes which would be just beautiful except for the small scar above the right eye, or is it the smile? Nothing seems to make sense individually, but together, all the imperfections resonate in perfect harmony. It’s not the lips, it’s the smile, it’s not the eyes, it’s the look in them, it’s not the smile and the look either....it’s the mischief behind that look and the smile. Something that connects, something that 'touches', something that you enjoy beyond the visual level, something that does not create a short blissful moment but creates a feeling that lingers....leaves you thinking about her. And you wonder....she was all imperfect...but put together, she is God's greatest masterpiece. It’s not just her exterior but the entire HER that impresses – melts your heart.

God might have created the perfect girls for the work of enticing men...on stage, in books, but He sprinkled the real heart stealers, the heart melters in places that you least expected - so that they could pull our heart strings and make us appreciate the perfection in the imperfect.

Real beauty is much closer than you expected. Just Look around!

Articles on the Delhi rape case - Bringing in change

This is a series of 7 articles written during the Delhi Rape case period. Presented in serial order for reading convenience. The focus is on the nature of change, our understanding of the law, the system and how real change happens. It is strongly recommended to read them in serial order, lest they seem too abstract and philosophical.

If you like allegorical stories better, here's a single story to show how we are the system ourselves, and blaming it is like blaming ourselves. Read Changing the system - An allegorical story

The articles:

1. We have not figured this one out – do we agree?
2. What exactly do we want? How badly?
3. Myths about the ‘Law’ : What it is and what it's not and cannot be
4. The truth about ‘Change’
5. The importance of ‘Seeing’
6. Conclusion and Summary
7. Helpful questions(NOT directions)

"Mommy, you took my money!!!"

My little niece is all sentimental about her granny's birthday. Decides to buy her a gift with her own 'pocket money'. Breaks her piggy bank to get a pile of coins. Mightily proud, but blissfully unaware that it adds up to around Rs. 10 (around a dollar in purchasing power) Holding her Mom's hand, off she goes to the neighborhood grocery store. Unfortunately, everything she wants is not what she can afford. The shopkeeper finally tells her that she can get a small packet of biscuits for that money. The child is happy..and takes out her pile of coins in front of the flustered shopkeeper. My aunt(her mom) tries to mitigate the awkwardness, by handing a 10 rupee currency note to the shopkeeper, taking all the coins and stuffing them her own bag!! "Mommy!!! you took my money!!!!!" screams the angry kid. First they did not give her the stuff she wanted for her granny, now they take her money too! My aunt, even more flustered, tries to explain the mathematics, but the anger wont stop!! :)

From ownership to cooperation

Can we move from the "This part is mine"  to the "I am responsible for this part" mindset? From ownership to cooperation. One is based on the illusion of division. It assumes that one part can flourish even if another withers and dies. That its POSSIBLE for the part to flourish regardless of the whole. And then wonders why all efforts to "control" what it "owns" seem to fail. The other sees the unity of the whole, hence accepts that it cannot control it. The brain might "control" the heart, but needs blood from it to do so. The heart might control the food for the brain, but depends on the brain to do so. Once we see this, We stop controlling the part, and start  contributing to the whole. Boundaries and borders  then become statements of responsibility instead of ownership.

Probing Economic 'principles' of the 'free' market

Too many things are taken at face value. For example, economic law 101: When supply drops, prices rise. But we forget that they NEED not. It is at the seller's discretion. He may choose to sell the last kilo of grain to the rich fat guy who offers a thousand rupees, or give it away to the starving family for free.

"But that's absurd! Resources are limited, and takers too many. Prices allow for balance..."

The Sunflower

The little Sunflower bloomed to its first morning. Life sent a thrill though its spine, as the morning breeze caressed it. It felt good about every one of its hundreds of golden petals, and an exciting anticipation of the potential that lay ahead. It raised its eyes to its maiden glimpse of the world - but what was this! It was being stared back by these Red petaled things. Their petals curled and folded into each other - each expression unique in itself. Their aghast expression screaming how weird it looked. The Sunflower was shocked. 

Is this how it was supposed to look? Why had God made it into an abomination? With an excess of petals. And none of it grown to the glorious size of the petals these beautiful beings possessed. And it felt naked, vulenrable - with its delicate center exposed, while theirs was safely tucked inside their petals. How could God be so cruel? No matter how hard it tried to curl its petals - it only managed to distort itself into more ugliness. And its color? There was nothing it could do about it anyway. The life energy slowly draining from it under its intense and genuine effort...the once beautiful Sunflower slowly withered. No matter how much it tried to change - it could not. It felt humiliated at this cruel joke. As it curled up and died.

Messy thoughts

Most 'complex problems' are often euphemisms for mess that we ourselves create. Like a messy room from where you scream "Mom!! I can't find my socks!!!" 

'Cool' Mom finds it unquestioningly for you..its a miracle! And 'complex' technology invents the sock-finder that can detect your socks through a truck load of clothes. As the complex technology becomes more common, the complex mess becomes more 'normal'...A costly sock-finder upgrade becomes inevitable. It finds what you want from double the mess in half the time. What a relief! Gen-X kids wonder "How did they even survive in the old days without the sock finder!!" Can't blame them..they have inherited a messy world where the sock-finder is a basic need. 

'Uncool' Mom screams "Why the heck do you need $2000 for a sock-finder to escape from the mess you created?" and hands you a $2 broom. Problem solved(??)

Maybe this is too simple...the real world is very complex...it demands people who offer solutions. Simplicity demands asking the right questions that pierce the mess to reveal the answers. Creating a mess again becomes impossible.

Solutions are achieved, answers are just revealed. If the answer is too complex, we have probably not understood the problem yet.

The funny thing about humans is we are ok to be unhappy, as long as we can prove it's not our fault

Western Vs Indian Classical music

Searched for this topic a lot on the Internet. But the most common answers are "exam oriented". Jumping to the the technical parts like harmony Vs melody, sonatas Vs Raags, common terms in Western classical music, their equivalents in Indian classical. At the end, you end up knowing a lot, but understanding nothing.

What is the 'nature' of these two forms of music? What do they cater to? What are their 'characteristics'? So have tried to capture my own understanding as best I could. 

Why do we need God?

Since we use the word 'need', we are alluding to inventing God in the idol/human/conceptual form. A God who judges, forgives, gifts, audits and engages in other "human" transactions.

Identity

We are what we think - which is not entirely correct. Thoughts change and identity by definition has to something 'static'. Something that survives the passage of time. So that it is 'secured'. Solid ground. 

Beliefs
This need is filled by our bundle of beliefs/conditioning which SEEM more 'solid', but are without foundation. The mind faces a constant INSECURITY of losing this solid ground, the beliefs. It can afford to lose one belief, provided it gets another equally solid and 'convincing' belief in return.  

. 

God
That's where God and religion comes in. God is the ultimate projection of all things not explained, hence feared. If there is no answer, blame it on God. Love him, hate him, give up on him, become an atheist - but at least the mind has an ANSWER for anything that threatens its existence. We can afford to shift responsibility, give up control. 'Count' on somebody. We often call that 'Faith'.

Power games
Wherever there is someone to give up control, there is someone to happily take it. That is where the 'institutions' and the power games come in. You have to conform to their practices, but they guarantee you an EXPLANATION in return. An explanation that is in sync with your EXISTING beliefs - no matter how scary. Your identity is secure. Hence God and her agents become necessary

So are beliefs, identity, faith, religions, Godpersons all bad?
Not at all!

• Identity is not bad. It is simply a need of the mind, not the mind itself.
• Beliefs are not bad. They are just a need of the mind to bridge the vaccuum of ignorance(what we do NOT know), to connect the dots(what we DO know) - so that we keep creating our path as we walk, and do not stop walking. Simple logic dictates that we we do not assume that the path we created is the only path. the problem is not in having beliefs, but in assuming they are facts. That is a recipe for self-contradictions, conflicts, struggles and wars.
• Religions are not bad - they are simply paths forged by majority beliefs. Again, the problem is not in following religion, but in assuming it is the 'right' one.  Religion might be the same. But its interpretation and hence, paths created are as many as the followers. Religion might allow for convenient categorization - but the fact is that every human human forges her own path.
• Faith is not bad. But if it is an excuse to shift responsibility, then we are fooling ourselves. Regardless of the word used.
• Godpersons are not bad. But our dependency on them is, and they exploiting it is. The solution is of course not to renounce all Godpersons, but to understand why the dependency is born. Without dependency, control cannot exist.

So is God just an excuse to blame?
Yes - if that God is a product of a petty mind and its beliefs. A belief created by us, in our own petty form and then granted 'life'. We are the makers of God in this case, rather than the other way round! Reality lies beyond it. Or more correctly - underlie it. Whether we call it God, Brahman does not matter. What matters is it is not the 'beliefs' that we fight on. And that the word is immaterial. It is like the waves calling the Ocean 'God' and then feeling offended if one wave says 'God does not exist'. The offence itself indicates that they consider themselves separate, ignorant of their oneness. And if one can see that, who would you have left to blame? Who's 'destiny' would you curse? Who would you call evil? The oneness becomes obvious - that it is all part of the same process. The moment we understand God, the need for God stops. 

The old woman

There she stood, holding the window bars like a prisoner...
She - a beautiful antithesis to beauty as we know it,
And the window - overlooking the busy street..
That sprinted while she strolled.

Her eyes looked expectant, did she want to get out?
To enjoy the outside?
But the wrinkles expressed a full life.
Perhaps her eyes expressed hope than expectation.

That we could still slow down, if we weren't so damn scared.
To live each moment fully and give it a chance,
To carve a wrinkle on our face.

Her wrinkles spoke of a million experiences,
All embraced, none denied - her eyes said that.
She was the silent island, in the noisy storm.
She was on the other side of the prison - looking in. 

Even good intentions are useless, if proving them comes at the cost of realizing them

Kejriwal's resignation

• Political rivals call it a cheap publicity stunt...to gain something bigger
• Political analysts call it an excuse to focus more on LS polls...to gain something bigger
• AAP says it is about renunciation(of Power) and taking moral responsibility. That the above folks cannot fathom this concept. It seems unthinkable to them that something can be done WITHOUT some bigger motive in mind. I agree about these other folks...but the issue is not their response, but his resignation. 

Interviewers should pose the simple question to Arvind Kejriwal: "How exactly does your resignation help the state/nation?" If he goes on about taking moral responsibility - thank him for his intentions, but ask him to do what is done when 'taking moral responsibility' : APOLOGIZE for his failure. 

He will not - as was evident

Dropping perceptions...and the whole motherload

This is a sequel to my last blog Technology, Truth and Success. There are too many who decry the current state of affairs, lament how the world is going to pieces because of our obsession with perception, and manufacturing the truth, rather than accepting it

But what is the solution? A good friend asked me: "What is your suggestion, should we discover the truth?how? OR keep manufacturing it?" This is my humble attempt to address that question. As per my understanding. 

Technology, Truth & Success

The trouble with improved networking technology is that's it too easy to score enough agreements someway, and convince ourselves that we have found the truth. Leaving less room for challenging our own thoughts and beliefs, which is the cornerstone of real thinking - and self-discovery. 

We are unconsciously becoming a world where reality is just a smoky mash-up of the majority perception, of 'Like's and page-links and Google ranks and Twitter trends - rather than the clear insight from first-hand experience. 

INTJs, their intelligence and the love affair with Ayn Rand

(This was my response on an INTJ Forum to a fellow INTJs struggle on trying to fit in with the 'mediocre' society and finding salvation in Ayn Rand's writings...)

Personally - I think The Fountain head is a sort of a catharsis pill for INTJs. For a few days, you will go "OH MY GOD!!! At last my philosophies have been articulated to the last word!!! Why can't everybody read Ayn Rand and make life easier?????" The book has given you a justification to 'hate' the 'non-intelligent' ones, who are a "burden on earth". Division, separation, isolation are the words I can think of. 

MBTI Types and Relationships

(This was written in response to statements on an INTJ forum where they tended to blame the success or failure of relationships solely on MBTI compatibility and worse, externalizing the issues on certain types. For eg: "ESFPs drive me up a wall!!!" or generalizing experiences: "Well, my relationship with XXXX type worked, so I am sure why your's did not")
It is a common belief that relationships work based on compatibility of personalities. And MBTI is a powerful tool to identify personality types. The insights are no doubt amazing, but are they the only factor that influences relationship? 

I am an INTJ. And this often becomes an excuse to rationalize our weaknesses, instead of the understanding them for the weaknesses they are. I think any relationship works/does not work depending on maturity levels - not MBTI types. But we have heard that a million times already, right? Maybe without delving into exactly what it means. Cos the narrow answers still continue.