Can boundaries and intimacy go together?

Words are often misleading. 'Boundaries' is one such word. The message seems to be “Closeness is OK, but too much closeness can get harmful. Learn to draw the line and say ‘back off!’”  But in close relationships, how close is too close? In fact, is there a limit to being ‘close’? What about unconditional acceptance, complete trust or genuine intimacy? Can boundaries and intimacy go together? Let us investigate together. Not what I think ‘boundaries’ mean, but what a healthy, harmonious definition of the word can be, how it gets distorted and also how we can prevent it

A simple example

I like to visualize the concept of boundaries as the behavior when we are slightly wounded. Let us say we have a bad bruise on our knee. We disinfect it, take care of it and then leave it to dry. With time, the healing will happen by itself. But right now, you are not even able to walk easily. Let us say someone now invites us to a game of tennis. We simply say: “Sorry, I can’t for a few days. I have bruised my knee” That’s it! That’s a boundary!

There are some key observations to make here. We are not angry towards that person. We don’t need to be. We don’t need to ‘act assertively’ either. Hence we are not afraid to say ‘no’. It’s the natural thing to do. Does that sound too obvious?

When others don’t ‘respect your boundaries’

Let us now assume that the person now says “Come on!!! Don’t be a sissy! That bruise is nothing!” What happens? The person has just invalidated your awareness of yourself. If your own awareness is strong, you simply smile and say “Oh no. It is! J In fact, I am not even able to walk L I will be in a week maybe!” The person might mock you, tease you – but you are grounded in reality. It does not matter what his perception is – he cannot affect you. Even if he has not accepted reality, you can – not because you are better, but because you simply see it clearly. There is nothing to deny or justify. We don’t argue if somebody says “Milk is red”, we laugh!

How we complicate it – unnecessarily!

The only problem is if your awareness of yourself is really not that strong. You too are more afraid, than injured. That fear separates us from reality. And it is difficult to accept what is not real. Hence we need external validation, allies, people who will agree with us, pamper us. If they don’t – we are afraid of being found out. We are threatened. We react. Push them away.  All under the pretext of ‘healthy boundaries’! That’s not boundaries – that’s building a wall, retreating into a shell. It’s an unhealthy boundary. The wound is real. Our perception of it is not.

Boundaries as an excuse to resist change

The need to protect our perception can act out in different ways. We use it to avoid change. What we are afraid to try become our accepted limitations. If I am not good at tennis, I might use my wound as an excuse. “How can you not trust me??? Instead of lending me a hand to walk, you think I am making an excuse??? Enough of your controlling behavior! I have to accept my limit even if you don’t!!” These limitations are not accepted ones, they are self imposed! Remember that you can accept only what is real.

Identifying unhealthy boundaries

Though there are countless ways of deceiving ourselves, trying to control the external world to validate our perception of reality, becoming angry and miserable when we inevitably fail – note that there is a common indicator when the boundaries are not healthy. It is fear, and subsequently anger, resentment, bitterness. The boundaries become walls, and the walls only get thicker with time – making the problem even worse. “Why is everybody trying to control me to fit their reality?” we wonder.

Healthy boundaries

True boundaries do not need effort, deep thinking, deciding on what you should or should not do. They are simple statements of the truth; of what you cannot do – even if you wanted to. But it needs you to be in touch, highly aware of reality. Acceptance no longer takes effort. You see the undeniable truth of the moment. When that clarity arises; there is no option but to accept! What else can you do? All fear, anger and resentment are pointless. There is no need to worry about the unhealthy boundaries. Also note what it does to intimacy. When you know your wounds perfectly – you are not afraid to put them in the open. There is nothing to hide. Genuine intimacy is therefore possible – because there is no fear of the other person hurting you. 

Responding to external hurt

If somebody hurts it unintentionally – forgiveness is effortless. They were unaware of our wound after all. If somebody hurts it intentionally – establishing, communicating your boundary is effortless. “I lose my calm when you call me names. I am unable to talk. So please don’t. Else I have to close the discussion”(Erroneous self-perception: I never lose my calm. You are just too hurting), “Although I am OK with teasing, I find it very painful when someone teases me about my weight”(Erroneous self-perception: I am never bothered by teasing. But people like you enjoy putting others down), “I love you a lot. And I know it. But unless you stop drinking, suffering your beatings is impossible. Unless you join AA – I will leave” (Erroneous self-perception: You are imperfect. I am perfect. Perfect love is strong. Nothing can hurt me. So I should not leave), “I know I get irritated when somebody criticizes me. And today was especially a bad day at office. I almost got fired. Can we talk later?”(Erroneous self-perception: If you really understood me, you would have realized that I am not feeling well)  If somebody repeats the hurt intentionally – the decision to leave is effortless. Because awareness of your wounds makes you accept the responsibility for the hurt. People can only hurt what is already wounded.

It seems paradoxical, but the ability to know our boundaries arises only when we are truly free! Free from our illusions and the need to protect them.