Everybody complains about stress nowadays. The unlimited techniques offered for "Stress Management" are enough to stress one out! We also try to justify stress by using phrases like "Jobs are much more stressful nowadays", "Life is much more stressful nowadays", "A rapidly changing business environment makes stress inevitable" What is stress really? Are we over-complicating it and making it worse? Is 'managing' it useful in anyway? Are we just scratching the surface instead of trying to cure it? Can we dare to take a closer look at this ugly problem, understand, and hence cure it?
Common Myth: "Stress is natural"
Truth: We use the word 'stress' too easily. At the end of a good day's work, every human being is tired. Exhausted. Isn't that normal? What's your favorite physical activity? Playing basketball? Jogging? Trekking? Aren't you dead tired after that? Happy too maybe? But are you 'stressed out'? This tells us that stress is not a physical, but a mental issue. Although it can, and does impact us physically too. Exhaustion is natural. Hard choices are real. Stress is self-created
Truth: We use the word 'stress' too easily. At the end of a good day's work, every human being is tired. Exhausted. Isn't that normal? What's your favorite physical activity? Playing basketball? Jogging? Trekking? Aren't you dead tired after that? Happy too maybe? But are you 'stressed out'? This tells us that stress is not a physical, but a mental issue. Although it can, and does impact us physically too. Exhaustion is natural. Hard choices are real. Stress is self-created
Exhaustion is natural. Stress is self-created. Stress is suffering before the pain has occurred.
Understanding Stress and the vicious cycle
Stress is suffering before the pain has occurred. More accurately, it is an outcome of our 'resistance' to reality. What is vs What we want it to be. The resistance is futile, and hence wasted energy.
Stress is suffering before the pain has occurred. More accurately, it is an outcome of our 'resistance' to reality. What is vs What we want it to be. The resistance is futile, and hence wasted energy.
Trekking, getting tired, enjoying nature - is reality. Wanting to break your or your friend's earlier record to complete the route - is a demand. Playing, getting exhausted - is reality. Wanting to win - is a demand. Once the demand takes root, we start worrying about the result. The anxiety impacts our performance, reducing our efficiency, and the probability of attaining the result. When we fail, it reaffirms our worries. This in turn increases our anxiety even more. It is a vicious circle. Note that most of these 'demands' are self-imposed.
Stress-management never works!
Being popular does not make it true. Think about it. Managing stress is like popping a pill in anticipation of a headache. It makes the situation worse. If you were stressed out by 10 (Self-created) demands on yourself, how will a 11th one(to manage those 10) help? The bigger our treatments for stress, the bigger the problem becomes. The total effort increases. So instead of investing energy in stress-reduction; we need to reduce energy in stress-creation
Being popular does not make it true. Think about it. Managing stress is like popping a pill in anticipation of a headache. It makes the situation worse. If you were stressed out by 10 (Self-created) demands on yourself, how will a 11th one(to manage those 10) help? The bigger our treatments for stress, the bigger the problem becomes. The total effort increases. So instead of investing energy in stress-reduction; we need to reduce energy in stress-creation
Instead of investing energy in stress-reduction; we need to reduce energy in stress-creation
How we create stress, and guiding questions to 'clear the smoke'
#1: Setting unrealistic expectations from oneself
'Push yourself harder'...'Be a better version of yourself everyday'...But until what point? We want to do a 100 things - but we can really do only 80. But the funny thing is, stressing out about the extra 20 brings down our productivity to 50. Then we stress out about 'failing' at those 30! The need here is not to become an underachiever - but to know our limits before we try to transcend them. Move from "What should I do?" to "What can I do?". Then do it. Improve on it. Finally ask "Can I do more?"
'Push yourself harder'...'Be a better version of yourself everyday'...But until what point? We want to do a 100 things - but we can really do only 80. But the funny thing is, stressing out about the extra 20 brings down our productivity to 50. Then we stress out about 'failing' at those 30! The need here is not to become an underachiever - but to know our limits before we try to transcend them. Move from "What should I do?" to "What can I do?". Then do it. Improve on it. Finally ask "Can I do more?"
#2: Making hard choices...or making choices hard!
Dilemma: There is an important business meeting, and your daughter's birthday party at the same time. What do you do?
Making choices is easy, but letting go of the (anticipated) benefits is hard. You are grappling with imagined pain. That's stress!
Step 1: Ask "What can I do?". The acceptance that only one task is possible helps ground us.
Step 2: Move from "How do I get benefits of both by trying harder?" to "Which one is worth letting go?". It's OK! Nobody's judging you except yourself!
Dilemma: There is an important business meeting, and your daughter's birthday party at the same time. What do you do?
Making choices is easy, but letting go of the (anticipated) benefits is hard. You are grappling with imagined pain. That's stress!
Step 1: Ask "What can I do?". The acceptance that only one task is possible helps ground us.
Step 2: Move from "How do I get benefits of both by trying harder?" to "Which one is worth letting go?". It's OK! Nobody's judging you except yourself!
A related issue is also the way we make a decision. Often it is based on unconscious beliefs, rather than reality. It seems obvious to say "Of course the birthday party is important! Family is what matters in the end" That's a belief. But what if the business deal meant raising money for her higher education? That's a short term loss for long term benefit. Of course its subjective; but it helps to think "What is true?" than "What is right?".
#3: Making a choice, but resisting the outcome
You finally made a choice to attend the business meeting - but 'What if you are called a bad father'? What if your daughter is emotionally hurt? One or both might happen. But so what? A wise choice is not the perfect one, just the best one. The biggest hurdle to seeing the correct choice is because our sight is clouded by other's opinions. It keeps us stuck on 'What's right?' (which always has multiple answers) rather than focused on 'What's needed?'
So forget other's opinions, think what's needed, make a choice, know that it will have expected and unexpected consequences...and move ahead. Don't stall!
You finally made a choice to attend the business meeting - but 'What if you are called a bad father'? What if your daughter is emotionally hurt? One or both might happen. But so what? A wise choice is not the perfect one, just the best one. The biggest hurdle to seeing the correct choice is because our sight is clouded by other's opinions. It keeps us stuck on 'What's right?' (which always has multiple answers) rather than focused on 'What's needed?'
So forget other's opinions, think what's needed, make a choice, know that it will have expected and unexpected consequences...and move ahead. Don't stall!
#4: The pressure of 'external' demands
Problem: Your expectations might be realistic, but what if your boss' aren't? "I am ok to work from 9-5, but my boss expects 12 hours of work to be done!! Everybody does it!", "I am ok with 85% marks, but nowadays one needs 95%!!".
If we look closer, the 'external' demand is just a projection of our own demand. Ask the question "Yes, my boss wants XYZ...but what if I do not give it? What's the worst that can happen?" There is something we are afraid of losing. And that fear is the demand!! And what is so important? Is it an additional salary increment? Will it let you vacation in another country instead of the next state? Will you not grow as fast as your friends did? And also - to get all these things in the future, what are you losing right now? Time with family? Your children's family day? Is it worth it? Again asking 'Which one is worth letting go?' helps. But accepting that the pressure is self imposed is what helps the most.
Problem: Your expectations might be realistic, but what if your boss' aren't? "I am ok to work from 9-5, but my boss expects 12 hours of work to be done!! Everybody does it!", "I am ok with 85% marks, but nowadays one needs 95%!!".
If we look closer, the 'external' demand is just a projection of our own demand. Ask the question "Yes, my boss wants XYZ...but what if I do not give it? What's the worst that can happen?" There is something we are afraid of losing. And that fear is the demand!! And what is so important? Is it an additional salary increment? Will it let you vacation in another country instead of the next state? Will you not grow as fast as your friends did? And also - to get all these things in the future, what are you losing right now? Time with family? Your children's family day? Is it worth it? Again asking 'Which one is worth letting go?' helps. But accepting that the pressure is self imposed is what helps the most.
#5: Playing the victim
A common justification is 'But I do it for their sake!' Have they asked for it? If they want it, do they need it? If they need it, can you do it? It becomes clear that we are often functioning 3-4 layers away from reality in the smoky world of beliefs and expectations. Creating these demands ourselves. Which is OK, common, real! Stress starts when we are not able to own these choices, and think that they are being forced upon us by someone else. Thinking that we want to go left, but 'life' is pulling us to the right. But it's all in the mind. Asking the guiding questions above helps us penetrate through the smoke and see not just the fork in the road, but also where they both lead to. The choice then is not made; it becomes obvious.
A common justification is 'But I do it for their sake!' Have they asked for it? If they want it, do they need it? If they need it, can you do it? It becomes clear that we are often functioning 3-4 layers away from reality in the smoky world of beliefs and expectations. Creating these demands ourselves. Which is OK, common, real! Stress starts when we are not able to own these choices, and think that they are being forced upon us by someone else. Thinking that we want to go left, but 'life' is pulling us to the right. But it's all in the mind. Asking the guiding questions above helps us penetrate through the smoke and see not just the fork in the road, but also where they both lead to. The choice then is not made; it becomes obvious.
Is there more to it?
The good news does not end there. When we start owning our choices, we come out of the 'helpless victim' mode. For the first time, we consider the possibility of taking control. Speak to our boss for example. It cannot get any worse anyway! And then discover that "Better-than-the-worst" possibilities always existed! Just that we were too busy 'being helpless' to actually see them.
Owning our choices, doing something about them, keeping on moving slowly becomes a pattern. The nature of life changes. We realize that the road of life might be hard or easy. But whether we want to be in the driver's seat doing the best we can, or be dragged down the road yelling and screaming - is our own personal choice.
The good news does not end there. When we start owning our choices, we come out of the 'helpless victim' mode. For the first time, we consider the possibility of taking control. Speak to our boss for example. It cannot get any worse anyway! And then discover that "Better-than-the-worst" possibilities always existed! Just that we were too busy 'being helpless' to actually see them.
Owning our choices, doing something about them, keeping on moving slowly becomes a pattern. The nature of life changes. We realize that the road of life might be hard or easy. But whether we want to be in the driver's seat doing the best we can, or be dragged down the road yelling and screaming - is our own personal choice.
The road of life might be difficult or easy. But whether we want to be in the driver's seat doing the best we can, or be dragged down the road yelling and screaming - is our own personal choice.
When all else fails, it helps to start by reminding yourself that being stressed only reduces your chances of success, but never improves them. So it's never ever worth it. And then move on to ask the guiding questions.
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If you have a question that you think many people are looking for an answer to, do feel free to send a message! Vijayraj is passionate about psychology, human behavior, performance optimization, how teams and organizational cultures are formed/transformed. He loves sharing his own insights through his writings. He is Manager, Deloitte Consulting India Pvt Ltd. in the Information Management space.
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